Thanks to recent state budget cuts proposed by Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is slimming down and looking better than ever! Staff writers at The DailyER bring you the first look at just a few of the features you can expect from the new, lightweight, easier-to-use UNLLite™ experience:
Get ready to see some downsizing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln in the coming months! No, not the movie starring Matt Damon. In late January, The UNL Board of Regents announced plans to blow up a couple more buildings on campus to cut the costs of utilities and maintenance in those buildings.
“We believe this is the most efficient way to cover the budget gap proposed by Governor Ricketts,” said UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green. “Our current plan is to have the building demolitions on the same night as the 2018 End of the Year Bash. No better way to end the year than watching a few buildings collapse!”
Initial nominees for the next buildings to be leveled at UNL include the new College of Business, the currently unfinished Health Center, Cather Dining Complex and Bessey Hall, to which Chancellor Green responded, “I didn’t even know we had a building called Bessey Hall.” —Chris Goering
No Room Keys:
Tired of always getting locked out of your room? Annoyed by the responsibility of having to keep track of a room key? Done with responsibility and order in general? Well, you’re in luck, because UNLlite™ has the solution for you!
No more keys! UNL got rid of them! Next year the entire university will be transferring to a 100% open door policy. I mean open doors, no locks, and no keys. Sounds like chaos, right?
Chancellor Ronnie Green thinks that’s the wrong way to think about it. “Nebraskans and our students are an honorable people. I fully believe this will cause no problems whatsoever,” Green said in a comment to prospective students.
The rules go: the first time you try to get into a building or room you’re not supposed to be in, Green himself will order Herbie Husker to give you a stern talking-to about the principles of honorable conduct.
After a second violation, you will be forced into a trial by combat against Lil’ Red. —Duncan Moore
Tip Your Professors:
Thanks to the super cool and recent budget enhancements, certain professors around UNL have started asking their students to leave a few extra dollars in a tip jar after class. Isn’t that totally awesome? It’s just like when you dropped a fiver in that bucket at the sandwich place with the guy who had a really cool beard. It’s time you started treating your professors on campus like cool guys with beards. Not only is this a fantastic way to help improve your instructors’ salaries, but it allows you as a student to show truly how great your appreciation for higher education is. Thanks to tipping, UNL will no longer require those long, useless class evaluation forms, and will now evaluate course satisfaction based on the charity money collected after class. So help save the trees and your professors’ job security by throwing a couple dollars into their briefcase! —Damon Barr
*A 15% gratuity charge will be automatically applied to classes of 8 or more
All-in-One Sport Experience:
Combining every sport into a single, year-round team will not only save the university a decent amount of moola; it might even make Husker athletics relevant again. Nebraska’s Footsketvolleybasewrestlenasticsball team would feature all 744 of UNL’s premier student-athletes. Every event, called a meet-match-inning-game, would be held on a single tennis court with the nation’s other 55 existing teams. Hell, they might even throw some mascots in there. Go Big Red! —Ryley Hubbard
Authentic Pioneer Housing:
The class of incoming freshman in Fall 2018 will be given the opportunity to spend their first year of college like a true pioneer. In wake of budget cuts, the university plans to save money normally spent on room and board by having students build their own shelter and grow their own food. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln plans to convert the underutilized soccer field behind Teachers College Hall into the first homestead that will support somewhere between 100 and 5,000 incoming freshman. As a part of the new “Pioneering Leaders” learning community guidelines, students will only be given copies of Willa Cather’s “Oh Pioneer” and “My Antonia” as references for them to adjust to the new lifestyle. Students who are unable to feed and shelter themselves are not expected to survive the winter. Those who survive will be guaranteed housing for their sophomore year, but will be forever burdened with the memories of their dead classmates. —Michael Bagazinski
Lil’ Red Helps Out:
UNL’s chancellor and athletic director have both urged the iconic mascot to “help out a bit.” Lil’ Red’s duties as mascot have now grown to include far more jobs than other Big Ten mascots.
In attempts to make a buck, Lil’ Red as opened a successful car washing business in the East Stadium loop. Some notable clients have included Herbie Husker and his tractor, as well as Ronnie Green and his Toyota Prius. In addition to his car wash, Lil’ Red has also been seen cutting the grass inside Memorial Stadium. Despite the grass being fake, everyone appreciated the gesture and no one had the heart to tell him otherwise.
But due to the magnitude of the cuts, Lil’ Red has to do more than just car washing. This summer, the university bookstore is making him husk the corn cob hats they will be selling next season, and he is also going to be required to clean up the locker rooms. After each game, Lil’ Red plans on paying the bills by dancing on his head outside the stadium for spare change. —Michael Bagazinski
No More In-State Students:
In Nebraska’s 150 years of existence, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and its homegrown students have been one of the state’s greatest assets for 148 of those years. But due to recent budget cuts and the low cost of in-state tuition, the flagship university is no longer is accepting in-state students. This debacle has initiated disapproval all over the state of Nebraska.
UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green sent out a statement over the weekend, explaining this difficult and possibly detrimental choice. “It’s unfortunate, but international students are where the big bucks come from,” Green said, “It’s what’s best for the university.”
Native Nebraskan students were not happy, and many were found expressing their disappointment over the Internet.
Jean LaGrone, English major, tweeted, “chancellor Greene [sic] only cares about the Green. Where are we supposed to go?”
The University plans on transferring in-state students to local colleges and online institutions. A new wave of international students will be enrolled this upcoming fall, displacing former Nebraskans from their home institution. —Nyadet Dojiok