Fringe third-party candidate Steven Downs believes the problems in America can easily be solved with one quick-fix: end all births.The Pro-Abortion candidate believes that every fetus must be aborted if we are going to “bring America back.” Downs, who proudly calls himself a liberal, says that he believes most on the left are actually pro-abortion […] Read more
Fresh-faced and newly appointed defensive coordinator John Papuchis drew curious looks from a crowded ballroom during an announcement Saturday when Cornhusker head coach Bo Pelini read the itinerary for the upcoming annual Cornhusker Football Coaches Retreat. According to sources from the incident, Papuchis “squeed with glee” when Coach Pelini included his name among the nine […] Read more
In a move that was greeted by lowered confidence in the housing market and an uptick in interest on his Match.com page, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke announced that federal interest rates for home loans would be dropped from already historic lows, and that he was ready to begin dating again. The chairman, […] Read more
After an immensely successful 19-year career concluded, many in the basketball world wondered what was left for Shaquille O’Neal to accomplish. A 4-time NBA champion and 15 time All-Star with a platinum rap album to his credit, Shaq continues to make waves in his post-professional career. Above: Can you pick which two players are better […] Read more
Last Tuesday a crane slipped from its drilling holes and almost crashed into the Robert E. Knoll Residential Center, a move that the Daily Nebraskan Editorial Board found completely unacceptable. “It is high time for this crane to step aside and let another take its place,” a staff editorial read. “We understand that the crane […] Read more
The U.S. Federal Appeals Court recently ruled that California’s Proposition 8, defining marriage as between a man and a woman, unconstitutional. The ruling was opposed by all three Republican primary candidates, and here is what they had to say: “Well personally, you know… well, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I think personally, you […] Read more
It is third and long, and Tim Tebow only hears one thing: Go deep, Tim! Ask the Denver Broncos quarterback who this voice belongs to, and he’ll let you know. “It’s the man upstairs,” Tebow states. “He lets me know when to go deep, and when to check down. He really looks out for me.” […] Read more
When I spend $16.40 on pizza, I expect greatness. But every time I call you, you’re pissed off, and I get pissed off that you’re pissed off. All you do is drive around, delivery man. Maybe if you had an eco-friendly car you wouldn’t be pissed off about that two dollar tip. But think about […] Read more
Tensions arose last night when it was revealed that your roommate Jason licked everything in that fridge. Jason, self-described as “kind of like an artist or something,” took the items in your shared refrigerator and ran his halitosis-encrusted tongue across them in an effort to “mark his territory like an alpha wolf.” Your girlfriend Kathryn, […] Read more
Defying the popular notion that the UN is largely useless as an international peace-keeping body, the UN Security Council passed a resolution yesterday condemning the violent crackdown in Slyriah by President Masar al-Ushad. Ban Ki-Moon, the UN Secretary General, praised China and Russia for finally agreeing to a resolution in conjunction with the US and […] Read more
