Breaking news from Mills, Iowa indicates that an explosion caused by an internal fire at the Mills Power & Electric Plant led to a radiation spillage from the company’s Research and Design wing. Toxic spewage leaked into several of the town’s irrigation tunnels and has since infected many townspeople with varying degrees of radiation […] Read more
The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s assistant football coach, who is responsible for training the Cornhuskers running back corps, said he was disappointed with his current crop of potential candidates. “As a good, Christian man, I find it offensive that none of these young lads have that good old-fashioned, home-grown toughness. Most of these boys look like […] Read more
Miles Simmons, sophomore Economics major and new Runza employee, has not yet begun to treat his job as the low-income, dead end position it is, sources inside the restaurant indicate. Simmons, who began his first day at the fast-food restaurant by repeatedly stating he was “grateful for the opportunity,” has apparently not realized the hopelessness […] Read more
Despite her repeated attempts to awaken the University of Nebraska-Lincoln community to various dangers, the woman commonly known as “the blue coat lady” continues to be ignored, ostracised, and even mocked by the people she is attempting to save. The blue coat lady, who claims God himself appeared before her in 1994, has since dedicated […] Read more
Reports surfaced Wednesday that University Chancellor Harvey Perlman was seen aimlessly wandering the Arts & Sciences quad during the lunchtime class break designating UNL’s lecture halls with brand new, seemingly random names. “Quite a sight, I must admit,” said sophomore English major Kevin Styles. “It’s not often you get to stare directly into the eyes […] Read more
Undergraduate Communications major Joseph Wells attended his COMM 207 class on Monday afternoon, an action Wells had not done since realizing attendance was not mandatory on the first day of class. The action occurred over a misunderstanding of the syllabus on Wells’ part. Believing that the classes exam was scheduled for Monday, Wells decided it […] Read more
