Sasha! Malia! Would you two please stop fighting! I swear to all that is holy, if you don’t shut up I will turn this country around right now! Do you really want that? First, I’ll start chipping away at the healthcare reform. Don’t think I won’t do it! Next, I’ll take away the gun control. […] Read more
So as most of you know, Hilary has been pretty sick this past month. First the exhaustion, then the concussion, then the blood clot . . . it’s been a mess. But she’s spent a lot of time at home recovering, and as you may have noticed at her congressional hearing last week, she’s back […] Read more
The Alabama Crimson Tide, fresh off their successful defeat of the Notre Dame Fighting Te’os in the recent BCS National Championship, begrudgingly announced that, beginning in August of this year, they will found a University. Head coach Nick Saban explained. “For years, the NCAA has been on our ass. ‘Stop oversigning. Make kids go to […] Read more
Amin al-Ganem is no stranger to child-rearing. A father of four, he and his wife Fatima know the ups and downs of family life well. As of last night, however, the Syrian family can add another moment to their list of proudest memories: their youngest son’s first IED. Three year-old Saleh reportedly gathered the scrap […] Read more
Citing the “need to protect its sacred shores from the increasing Zionist threat,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledged to launch the newly-retooled Iranian naval fleet, “just as soon as the wind picks up a bit.” “The threats against our sovereignty are many and varied,” said Ahmadinejad, whose 2012 re-election was highly contested. “Therefore it is […] Read more
Following the news of Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal, the world-renowned cyclist is being stripped not only of his seven Tour de France championships and an Olympic bronze medal, but also his 4th grade district spelling bee championship. Earlier this week, a spokeswoman for the Texas-based spelling bee association released a statement saying, “We have reason […] Read more
Famous American rock and roll legend Thomas Earl “Tom” Petty has spent the past 40 years playing concerts to countless fans around the world, but it wasn’t until this past weekend that a lifelong dream of Petty’s was fulfilled. After years of struggling to break into the aeronautics game, Petty has at long last been […] Read more
Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
Students and acquaintances Jennifer Laus and Donald Gibbs are engaged in a palpable level of sexual tension, according to Gibbs. Gibbs and Laus met in Biology 101 during their freshmen year and have since gone from a “simple friendship” to “fostering a sexual tension as real as any sitcom ‘will they, won’t they’ couple,” claims […] Read more
Local man Richard Ducey, age 36, is a great American citizen. He votes, abides by the law, and even recycles when it’s convenient. Ducey believes in the United States Constitution wholeheartedly and will go to great lengths to protect the fundamental rights outlined in its pages. Some say, however, that Richard Ducey is taking the […] Read more
