While on a temporary leave of absence, God, the omnipotent creator, and overseer of the universe, decided to take a stroll down to His kingdom to see how mankind was faring. He was displeased. In His anguish, God decided to hold a worldwide conference to address the matter with which He took most issue. “Who […] Read more
By Grandpa I think I might be a little behind on the times. All of these kids are getting upset about the newest Apple-pod-phone 7 or whatever you call it not having a ‘headphone jack,’ and quite frankly, it’s making me mad. Back in my day, the only ‘jacks’ we had were the ones used […] Read more
Even though classes at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have been going on for weeks, that one guy is still coming way too early for some reason. Freshman Brock Schluter was spotted arriving at his 9:30 a.m. lecture at 8:55 a.m., a full 20 minutes before any other students entered the classroom. Even though it’s his […] Read more
Last Monday night, freshman biology major Clarice Berger walked alone in the heavy rain. After a rough day of classes and the thought of having to spend hours on homework once she returned to her dorm, Berger was feeling down. “God, I wish someone would just swoop in and change my awful life forever,” Berger […] Read more
In an effort to achieve political fairness in the continuing coverage of the approaching election, several media sources have announced that they will be starting trial runs of a new system to ensure journalistic integrity. Sources within several leading news corporations have released a statements elaborating on the new practices. “It’s very important that we […] Read more
Queen Red Ant and her ant colony were gathered earlier this week mourning the loss of their beloved family member, Red Ant 1087. The colony swarmed the corpse of flattened 1087, which was adjacent to a stale, discarded bag of Cheese Doodles, to protest the hypocrisy of the pro-life supporter who took his life. Passersby […] Read more
In a stunning announcement at a state legislature hearing last Friday, Governor Pete Ricketts gave an astounding 45-minute-long speech concluding in an unprecedented request. “In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the Senate, I have decided that I want to start taking both my job and my life more seriously,” Ricketts said. “To commemorate this shift […] Read more
“Ahhhh, another day of teaching, huh?” said advertising and public-relations graduate student Norman Miller as he took a deep breath and smelled the faint aroma of Pepsi. Then, for dramatic effect, he rolled his shoulder before grabbing the handle of the Pepsi-logoed door and swung it open. “Well, gotta go teach those kids one of […] Read more
In a stunning turn of events, a local man announced he is exercising his right to criticize another man’s right to criticize a man’s right to criticize a woman criticizing a man. In a 120-character essay posted on his Facebook, Marc Copeland explained how he was displaying his constitutional rights to criticize a man who […] Read more
The University of Nebraska prides itself on constantly making improvements, and that philosophy doesn’t just apply to academic achievement. In a recent press release, College of Business Administration Senior Vice President Roger Sanatelli announced some big changes for his college. “We here at CBA are very proud of our future home, and its presence on […] Read more
