According to a recent study conducted by Professor Michael Yoats, not enough people give Michael Yoats the respect Michael Yoats and his doctorate—an eight year endeavor—fucking deserve. The frustrated PhD. holder, who is a tenured teacher in the University’s physics department, claims he isn’t so much offended by discourteous students as he is by the ego-damaging lack of respect exhibited during coitus.
“I don’t expect those Adderall-engulfing punks who pass out in my lecture halls to call me ‘doctor,’ and who could?” the professor began. “But when I’m puttin’ wood to my wife on a cluttered office desk in the middle of the afternoon, I sure as hell expect to be addressed properly!”
It’s evident after one listens to his cries of outrage, which went viral last week thanks to a student’s borrowed webcam, that the professor has been bottling this rage up for quite some time.
“I didn’t sacrifice precious years of my life so that the academic community would revere me, hell no,” Yoats protested. “I got this damn doctorate because I thought the prestige would lend itself smashingly to kinky foreplay and passionate whoopy sessions.”
In the third installment of his haphazardly conducted YouTube series, the degraded teacher elucidates that during grad school, KISS’s 1977 hit ‘Calling Dr. Love’ served not only served as inspiration, but a definitive goal.
The selfish and inconsiderate wife of Michael Yoats, Patty Yoats, is regrettably not the only one to blame for the pissed-on pride of the professor. Long-time colleague and friend of Yoats, Prof. Harvey Reznor, told the Dailyer that last month he and Yoats attended a Collegiate Educators of America conference. An hour into the function, Yoats miraculously persuaded two art history teachers to engage in a sloppy bathroom three-way.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Reznor explained. “The man was living every male’s fantasy of banging not one, but two artsy women in an event hall restroom. Suddenly, he stormed out of the restroom vehemently yelling ‘If I wanted you to call me Big Poppa, I would’ve told you to! I worked too damn hard for this bush league shit! I’m Dr. Love, you ill-mannered viragos, and I want it to be screamed mid-orgasm from a mountaintop!’”
Reznor sympathized with his friend, and suggested that this plight is just another sad exemplification for the deteriorating sense of propriety in modern American societal values.
“These days, a fellow can’t even be dignified when he is doing the nasty,” Reznor lamented.
But unless Yoat’s hot assistant, Debbie is game for it, this professor of promiscuity might not be having any sweaty sex on office furniture for a while; shortly after Dr. Reznor’s revealing interview with the newspaper, wife Patty divorced Michael in a shocking turn of events. Right now the biggest question looming in Michael Yoat’s mind: if he does decide to go for it, will Debbie even call him doctor?
