Exotic dancer Amber Horton, 24, has recently retired from a long career at Lincoln’s most illustrious gentlemen’s club, Shakers.
Horton thoroughly explained the rocky transition from psuedo-starlet to retiree, “At this age, you have to take inventory and plan for the future. I’ve got an entire chest full of ones and fives sitting safely at the foot of my bed.”
As the end of October approaches, Horton will take solace in the fact that her now seemingly useless collection of G-strings and revealing tops can be donated to support one of Lincoln’s most desperate causes: enabling college girls to dress like harlots. Thanks to Horton’s generous offering to Nobbies, a Halloween super-warehouse, girls all around campus can get more creative than ever with their costumes this year. With a selection that includes Slutty Cat, Slutty Nurse, Slutty Cop and French Maid, this year’s crop is sure to turn heads and pitch tents.
“I dress conservatively all year round. However, I like to use Halloween as a vehicle to showcase my upper legs, cleavage and plummeting self-esteem,” a female student explained.
As excited as these girls are to embody the skankiest possible version of their favorite cartoon character, the remaining patrons, mostly fat girls and straight men, are left clamoring to assemble the most original/ironic outfits they can find.
Greg Tramster, active member of Delta Tau Delta, announced his costume plans, “I’m going to be a ‘tailgate’ for Halloween. A gate… made of a bunch of different tails.”
Meanwhile, Amber Horton revels in the possibility of spotting someone wearing one of her shame-laden getups. Horton is proud of her contribution to the community, and she hopes her hand-me-down outfits can encourage aspiring young strippers and single mothers to pursue their dreams of a career in exotic dancing.
