Hello, world. It’s been a while! I just wanted everyone to know that my cats and I, particularly that minx Spartacus, have been doing very well. We’ve kept busy selling arts and crafts and doing things around the house, like when I redecorated the couch with a new slipcover. It’s those kinds of exciting changes […] Read more
In a strange turn of events, the interim Athletic Director at Rutgers, Carl Kirschner, announced plans to form a varsity dodgeball team. “Mike Rice has not been released from Rutgers, but instead named head coach of the Scarlet Knights dodge ball team,” said Kirschner. The plan was announced after footage of Rice hurling basketballs at […] Read more
In the midst of cyber-espionage attacks from China, the US government keeps stumbling upon fantastic prizes across the internet. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel issued a public statement last week that the United States budget for next year will be looking better than ever with expected returns on twenty different million dollar prizes through various […] Read more
The restaurant was packed on what seemed to be a normal night at Lou’s Diner. Families celebrated birthdays and anniversaries. Laughter and revelry could be heard throughout the establishment. Nobody had any idea of the tragedy that was about to occur. In what witnesses describe as “horrific” and “like 9/11 but probably way worse,” a […] Read more
Head coach Greg McDermott and the Creighton men’s basketball coaching staff has been hot on the trail of new recruits since their season ended. They have landed a sizable amount of recruits for both the 2013-2014 and 2014-15 seasons already, and they’ve even gotten their first recruit for the 2027 season: Ryan McDermott. It looks […] Read more
Clyde Markson, a freshman living on floor seven of Abel, describes himself as a “medium-level guitarist.” After fumbling his way through “Free Fallin’,” he revealed that playing guitar is a “passion of mine.” According to Markson, he was inspired to be a rock star in his seventh grade music appreciation class, though he didn’t actually […] Read more
Following a series of contentious debates, the House of Representatives appeared to reach a compromise on immigration Friday. Speaker of the House John Boehner, visibly pleased with the work his colleagues had done, would initially only tell reporters on the Capitol Steps that “Ladies and gentlemen, Operation TACO is go.” Expanding on that line, […] Read more
In a polarizing executive order that continues to send echoes through campus, recently elected ASUN President Eric Reznicek has killed seven UNL students in a series of unmanned drone attacks. The ASUN Presidency, typically a position used for minor fund allocation changes and resumé fillers, has been subjected to harsher investigation since the bombings that […] Read more
Just in time for the holiday season, Guantanamo Bay has declared that its highly secured doors will open for this year’s wave of spring breakers. Crowds of all sorts are flooding the rooms of the Bay, some students, some vacationers, and some “high profiled targets” of the CIA. What they all have in common, though, […] Read more
In an unprecedented act of kindness and generosity, the North Korean government has given a massive, beautifully-crafted wooden horse to South Korea. “We are very excited to receive this wonderful gift,” said South Korean President Park Geun-hye. “Just look at it! It’s incredible. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want this.” The gigantic wooden horse […] Read more
