By now it is a story known the world over: Dr. Brian L. Friedrich, President of Concordia University, decided to remind his students that they live in the most boring city on earth with a salute to Washington, D.C. on President’s Day. 2200 lives would be changed forever; the official death toll from students who […] Read more
Tensions arose last night when it was revealed that your roommate Jason licked everything in that fridge. Jason, self-described as “kind of like an artist or something,” took the items in your shared refrigerator and ran his halitosis-encrusted tongue across them in an effort to “mark his territory like an alpha wolf.” Your girlfriend Kathryn, […] Read more
Defying the popular notion that the UN is largely useless as an international peace-keeping body, the UN Security Council passed a resolution yesterday condemning the violent crackdown in Slyriah by President Masar al-Ushad. Ban Ki-Moon, the UN Secretary General, praised China and Russia for finally agreeing to a resolution in conjunction with the US and […] Read more
Jerry Sandusky, disgraced former assistant football coach at Penn State University, is not allowed to work with children pending charges he molested at least a dozen individuals. Sandusky met the alleged victims through his Second Mile foundation, an athletic organization which provides at-risk youth with positive role models. But luckily for one under-served group, Sandusky’s […] Read more
Residents of Zanesville, Ohio, a rural town 45 miles east of Columbus, woke up to an unpleasant surprise last Tuesday. In a story that would become national news, police were involved in a shoot-to-kill hunt for an escaped Joe Biden. The Vice President, last seen throwing sticks and pebbles at law enforcement officers, escaped his […] Read more
The Nebraska Cornhuskers returned victorious from Minnesota on Sunday, but discovered an embarrassing truth the next day: they were one person short. “Yeah, apparently we left Tom [Osborne] at the World’s Largest Truck Stop,” head coach Bo Pelini told a distraught Mrs. Osborne. “We’ll send someone back for him in a few days. He’ll be […] Read more
I am writing to assuage any fears you may have, as residents of a great state, about the Keystone XL Pipeline my company plans to install a few years hence. I would like to assure you, from the bottom of my heart, that I and my team of TransCanada colleagues are scientists; the aquifer fish […] Read more
It has been a tough year for Toyota. On Monday, CEO Akita Toyoda announced the latest in a series of embarrassing recalls for the auto company, offering his apologies to the public. “I am afraid I must tell you that the 2011-model Japanese Prime Minister, known by the popular name ‘Naoto Kan,’ is under recall,” […] Read more
Students clashed with campus security forces Sunday during protests against the administration of ASUN President Justin Solomon. Hundreds gathered in the Union to demonstrate against Solomon, who has held office for just under one year. According to sophomore art history major Nikki Stoops, the students of UNL were simply fed up with the “despotic regime.” […] Read more
Decemberists | Concert Review Story by Christina Mayer | Published Feb 15, 2011 I’ll start off with a bit of personal trivia: I have been to a total of six concerts in the span of my entire life (not including groups like the Johannesburg Symphony Orchestra, which was awesome). Two of them have been […] Read more
