The employees at Red Mango are reporting that local customer Matt Johnson just walked into their store this afternoon to ask, “what exactly is good here.” According to sources the man didn’t have any idea what Red Mango even was, but thought it “would be fun and spontaneous” to just walk in and figure it […] Read more
After two wars, years of rising military spending, and controversial privacy-restricting federal laws, the U.S. government finally declared the Anderson family of South Dakota winners of its controversial “War on Terror.” The Anderson family, very wealthy since finding massive oil reserves on their property over 50 years ago, was declared the winner of the War […] Read more
Adam Jones’ dinner party took an awkward and painful turn yesterday when none the guests could figure out how to steer the conversation away from African genocide. “Honestly I’m not even sure how it got there,” Jones said. “Somehow, all of a sudden, we were all talking about Darfur and other African genocides like they […] Read more
After searching around his reclining chair for “ten damn minutes,” 63 year-old Lincoln resident and loving grandfather of six Louis Barton realized that he was never going to find “that stupid remote” without getting up, and decided to resign himself to watching “whatever the hell this is.” As the “ridiculously stupid” program played, Barton could […] Read more
In what many of his brothers are calling the largest embarrassment in the history of the organization, fraternity member John Riley accidentally left his homophobia at home yesterday. The blunder caused Riley to say things like “I see no problem with gay marriage,” “I’m going to accept people for who they are,” and, “it’s pretty […] Read more
A ‘mutual friend’ of both Steven Johnson and Brittany Banks is confirming that, as of 10:17 pm last night, the couple has taken the next step in their relationship and begun officially dating on Facebook. “Brittany was always telling me this was just a casual fling and Steven, well, we never thought he’d settle down,” […] Read more
Undergraduate Communications major Joseph Wells attended his COMM 207 class on Monday afternoon, an action Wells had not done since realizing attendance was not mandatory on the first day of class. The action occurred over a misunderstanding of the syllabus on Wells’ part. Believing that the classes exam was scheduled for Monday, Wells decided it […] Read more
Newly-elected ASUN President Eric Kamler announced yesterday that he would be rounding up all of UNL’s gay students by the end of April, a move that he said he doesn’t “necessarily agree with” but one most of his supporters urged him to do. “I personally don’t have anything against the gays but most of my […] Read more
Council Bluffs, Iowa resident Pat Helwig, who didn’t believe that chemotherapy could cure him, died of testicular cancer yesterday, just three months after being diagnosed. Helwig, who believed that all medical approaches to life should be natural and that everything else was “pseudoscience,” stated that all he needed to do to cure his cancer was […] Read more
Patrons at the Lincoln Art Fair came away much happier than one would assume coming from an art fair. Patrons seemed to be smiling uncontrollably and beaming with delight as they left the middle school gymnasium on Saturday afternoon. Many patrons said they felt that the art fair confirmed that their decision to give up […] Read more
