Top 10 uses of a newborn baby
So, you have a kid now, somehow.
Story by Miles Rothlisberger
Studies say at least one person thinking of you sexually, angrily
In a landmark study released by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Psychology Department, researchers have concluded that at least one human being on the planet thinks about you in a sexual, yet also angry, manner. “Despite how insignificant you may think that you are, one poor schlock out there is extremely aroused by you,” Dr. Don […] Read more
Refrigerator, guest bedroom still packed with Thanksgiving leftovers
At 8:30 a.m. Friday, with aromas of lavender and potato in the air, freshman economics major Kaylee Martinez woke up after a long night’s rest in her soft, leftover turkey-filled bed. After stretching her arms, Martinez yanked off the flower-pattern sheets and the mass of congealing turkey legs and gravy that completely covered them. “Well, […] Read more
Skinny jeans reveal disturbing contents in student’s pockets
They told him the circulation to his legs would be severely decreased, permanently debilitating his legs by the age of 34. They told him his movement would slow to that of a person with bloodless legs. Finally, they told him that they would allow for little privacy in what he carried in his pockets. “Yeah, […] Read more
Dude, check this out: A spider and a wasp are fighting
Dude, come check this out. No, not there, over here. Trust me, you’ll think this is awesome, but it’ll only last for a bit. I know what I’m talking about; I spend plenty of time studying botany and writing shitty poetry in a field of flowers, and I would do almost anything just to add […] Read more
Color-blind detective sees world only in black-and-white
Lincoln detective Rex Zerigata lit his cigar and took a giant puff, sighing as he exhaled white smoke into the pitch black sky. But then, he quickly saw that other people were around and disposed his cigar out of courtesy. “Well, some shit did happen, tonight,” Zerigata said, adjusting his tortoise shell glasses and scratching […] Read more
Apes in metaphorical cages laugh at apes in real cages at zoo
Today at the Lincoln Zoo, irony was chokingly strong in the air. At the primate exhibits, where apes and monkeys were trapped in metal cages, other apes laughed at their distant relatives’ imprisoned state and other limitations despite being trapped in metaphorical cages. For nearly seven hours, advanced apes that were practically suffocating from their […] Read more
Man Checks Watch for Time, Sees He Has No Arms
Sometimes, life throws humorous little twists for people. On Monday morning, that’s what happened to George Hopkins. “Oh shit, I wonder if I’m running late again,” said the Lincoln bank teller as he jogged haphazardly down the sidewalk towards the Wells Fargo where he worked. Hopkins has always lived a typical and largely uneventful life. […] Read more
Student Reads the DN
Stephanie Lindon didn’t expect to pick up a copy of the Daily Nebraskan from an overflowing stack Monday morning. “I was walking by the newspaper racks in Andersen Hall to pick up a copy of the Lincoln Journal Star and other local papers for hard-hitting news,” the sophomore physics major said. “But they were all […] Read more
UNL Greeks Aspiring To Lower Mortality Rates To 6 Geeds Per Year
Greek students at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln met last night to discuss how they will lower campus’ mortality rate to 6 geeds per year. In the Colonial Room at the Nebraska Union, members of the various fraternities and sororities opened the talk by mentioning how, within the last five years, the number of gede deaths […] Read more
