While stubbornly seated in his now-empty office, recently terminated professor of philosophy Gerald Brewster repeatedly remarked that this was all, “foolish and nonsensical,” and that his job, “theoretically still exists.” “Logically, it’s not possible for me to be fired,” Brewster said of the letter officially terminating his employment. “Clearly nothing exists outside of the human […] Read more
Ah, it’s that time of year again friends: Valentine’s Day. For some, this means melting in the warm caress of a lover’s arms. For satire writers and others, it’s a reminder of the unrelenting agony of solitude. If you do, however, manage to find the gumption to ask your crush out only for them to […] Read more
In an unprecedented move that sent frigid chills down the spines of all who beheld it, thousands of University of Nebraska-Lincoln undergraduates gathered in a large, humanoid mass of sheer magnitude and destruction to become a literal student body earlier this week. The Godzilla-like gargantuan, besides instilling pure and utter fear into the hearts of […] Read more
Nebraska men’s basketball coach Tim Miles turned some heads in a press conference this week with the announcement of sudden, drastic changes coming to his team’s gameplan this season. Miles, who’s known to place emphasis on the purely fundamental side of the game, explained a more flexible strategy he has in store for the Huskers. […] Read more
In a surprising move that most wouldn’t expect from a group of people that see everything as meaningless, members of the support group Nihilism Association of the Heartland, or NAH, decided that cooperation is completely arbitrary and simply not worth the effort. “I don’t care about any of these people,” said longtime member Jonathan Wake. […] Read more
This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Two Of Us: Now listen here partner, you’ve gone and done it again with your fancy book learnin’ and your city slickin’. You may not have been lookin’ for trouble, but you darn-tootin’ found yourself some by stepping foot in this here town, buckaroo. Look at you, […] Read more
Finally, a solution to the pothole epidemic has arrived. City officials announced this week that after receiving numerous grievances about the tire-destroying mini canyons via telephone calls, emails and online comment sections, they would actually do something about it. The plan? Fill ‘em with all the complaints. “We’re very thankful for all the griping and […] Read more
The Nebraska State Legislature is currently a barrage of loose Benjamins and poker chips as all bets are on for a bill that could legalize gambling in the Cornhusker State. Representatives frantically tossed wads of dough and colorful gestures at each other on Thursday as the Capitol building was awash with unintelligible yelling, only punctuated […] Read more
In a move that many would associate with utter bullshit, the Democratic National Committee decided to assign delegates and superdelegates in an undemocratic way for both the Iowa and New Hampshire contests. Superdelegates are party representatives who are allowed to throw their support behind any candidate of their choosing regardless of popular vote, a move […] Read more
In a recent survey of all Americans from coast to coast, Lincoln, Nebraska, received the distinguished title of, “best place to settle.” The sleepy Midwest city earned its reputation from the thousands of local denizens who look forward to the same everyday monotony they’ve come to know and love. “Every day I wake up and […] Read more
