We, here at The DailyER, believe that politicians simply don’t understand the needs and desires of today’s voters. You see it all the time: candidates who promise the world on a silver platter, only to make like a directionally challenged mailman and fail to deliver.

As a result, we are officially announcing our candidacy for the 2018 Nebraska gubernatorial race under the Republican Party. We’ll be running alongside fellow party members Krystal Gabel and Pete Ricketts, with the only difference being we’re the most qualified.

We are like the government in some ways: we hear your concerns, and anything else you say. As a result, our platform will be unique: we wish to co-create our stance on the issues between you, the voter, and us, the new regime that you’d better learn to love. You may not have any actual say or power to decide in the end, just like presidential elections. However, here are a few core values that you will have to accept in the near future:

• 75% of state funding will be redirected to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s College of Journalism and Mass Communications.
• Marijuana will not only be legalized; it will be mandatory. No exceptions.
• More cows.
• Only taxing people who deserve it.

As you can see, we are a candidate for the people. We will work tirelessly to pretend to care about you and your needs. The road to progress is rough and unpaved, but it is not impossible. Electing a team of satire writers to your state’s highest political office will get you there sooner.

Vote DailyER in 2018: ProgressivER, faster.

To support The DailyER’s 2018 campaign for governor, simply log in to MyRed on Wednesday, March 7, and vote YES on approving The DailyER’s student fee funding. This is the first step toward getting The DailyER on the Nebraska gubernatorial ballot.