In an effort to counteract recent controversy concerning exclusivity within the organization, members of the Association of Students of the University of Nebraska finally responded by hurling flaming bags of human feces onto their critics’ respective porches. The critics, who were said to be numerous yet still apathetic about student government in general, stood by […] Read more
Man arrested for belated possession of ironic t-shirt Early friday afternoon Lincoln police arrested a man, 24, crossing the street adjacent to Anderson hall in downtown wearing a humorous, vintage Wal-mart t-shirt. The shirt’s emblem, seemingly cracked and faded by time, was found by officers only to be a ruse by the apparel manufacturer. The […] Read more
In what many of his brothers are calling the largest embarrassment in the history of the organization, fraternity member John Riley accidentally left his homophobia at home yesterday. The blunder caused Riley to say things like “I see no problem with gay marriage,” “I’m going to accept people for who they are,” and, “it’s pretty […] Read more
The Antelope Valley Parkway, a multi-year construction project marred by delays and funding problems, has finally come to an end. Nature reclaimed the stretch of land late Monday evening by creating a massive sinkhole. Four years of labor, millions of dollars in equipment, and three bikers were swallowed by the massive hole, in addition to […] Read more
A ‘mutual friend’ of both Steven Johnson and Brittany Banks is confirming that, as of 10:17 pm last night, the couple has taken the next step in their relationship and begun officially dating on Facebook. “Brittany was always telling me this was just a casual fling and Steven, well, we never thought he’d settle down,” […] Read more
Miles Simmons, sophomore Economics major and new Runza employee, has not yet begun to treat his job as the low-income, dead end position it is, sources inside the restaurant indicate. Simmons, who began his first day at the fast-food restaurant by repeatedly stating he was “grateful for the opportunity,” has apparently not realized the hopelessness […] Read more
Despite her repeated attempts to awaken the University of Nebraska-Lincoln community to various dangers, the woman commonly known as “the blue coat lady” continues to be ignored, ostracised, and even mocked by the people she is attempting to save. The blue coat lady, who claims God himself appeared before her in 1994, has since dedicated […] Read more
Reports surfaced Wednesday that University Chancellor Harvey Perlman was seen aimlessly wandering the Arts & Sciences quad during the lunchtime class break designating UNL’s lecture halls with brand new, seemingly random names. “Quite a sight, I must admit,” said sophomore English major Kevin Styles. “It’s not often you get to stare directly into the eyes […] Read more
Undergraduate Communications major Joseph Wells attended his COMM 207 class on Monday afternoon, an action Wells had not done since realizing attendance was not mandatory on the first day of class. The action occurred over a misunderstanding of the syllabus on Wells’ part. Believing that the classes exam was scheduled for Monday, Wells decided it […] Read more
Newly-elected ASUN President Eric Kamler announced yesterday that he would be rounding up all of UNL’s gay students by the end of April, a move that he said he doesn’t “necessarily agree with” but one most of his supporters urged him to do. “I personally don’t have anything against the gays but most of my […] Read more
