In a shocking turn of events that have left scientists and the general public stunned, the well-known Ebola virus has asked the once popular Swine Flu to the upcoming formal. The two first met at a nightclub, trying to see which human’s immune systems were compatible with their personalities. However, when Ebola spotted “The Swine” […] Read more
Reports surfaced early Thursday morning that area man Chuck Schooley, an avid lover of meat, became physically repulsed by even the suggestion of consuming any food that did not at one time have a mouth, nose and eyes. The news first broke after Schooley retched into a trashcan for nearly thirty minutes upon seeing his […] Read more
A young child was shocked to find a handful of teeth under his pillow when he woke up last Tuesday morning. Darius Schrader, age 8, woke up to find eight teeth under his pillow, after leaving only one under it the night before. “One of my teeth fell out the day before, so I kept […] Read more
For many, marriage can be a wonderful institution, where two people who love each other very much live their lives to the fullest. Chet Spaulding, a bartender from the Kool Kat Bar in a small Virginia town, wants to tell you this before he tells you that, at this very moment, your future spouse is […] Read more
A recent poll of dolphins, ages five to 25, by Gallup has shown that most dolphins would prefer to one day swallow a piece of garbage and choke to death. In distant second place, dolphins preferred to take a harpoon through the heart from a fisherman. Getting stuck on the beach and starving to death […] Read more
A new study by the FDA has shown that people who use electronic cigarettes, or “e-cigs,” on a regular basis are three times more likely to die of murder-related causes than those who do not use e-cigs. E-cigs have commonly been believed to be a 100% healthy and safe alternative to cigarettes, providing nicotine without […] Read more
The American people breathed a collective sigh of relief yesterday as Congress began a serious, open-discourse with their constituents. Discussion began at 9:53:00:000 and ended at 9:53:00:007 and were called an “unbelievable success” by all 300 million persons involved. This discourse, the longest of any administration since 1962, marks an about-face for the 113th Congress, […] Read more
“I was just minding my own business making that afternoon recipe of deep-fried squash with grits,” said the nameless girl. “Then all of the sudden, he was in buried in the deep frier. What a waste of grease.” Hector Lannistall, the officer leading the investigation, said the girl would not be charged. “This has all […] Read more
After months of heated deliberations and court hearings, the custody battle between Richard Watkins and Michelle Driver ended when the judge awarded custody to Mr. Watkins, officially declaring his son, Blake, as the true loser of the entire situation. The decision came Thursday afternoon despite multiple testimonies from the younger Watkins that his father is […] Read more
Pointing out that everyone ought to be pulling their fair share, local deadbeat dad Todd Romski is starting to get real tired of all these leeches taking up too much space on the social safety net, sources said. “Good thing I got in on that Medicaid early! Damn! There’s no way I’d be able to […] Read more
