For the 237th year in a row, white people are upset about nonsense and aren’t going to take it anymore. Dating back to when a slight increase in a tea tax led to a full-scale revolution, America has built a storied history of white folks getting real pissed off about shit. The most recent injustice […] Read more
In the aftermath of a catastrophic loss amongst Hispanic voters last November, GOP lawmakers have expressed a new interest in courting the key voting bloc, an effort they have dismissed in the past. At the forefront of this movement is Republican senator and Cuban-American Marco Rubio. Hailing from Florida, Rubio is well versed in the […] Read more
Following the news of Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal, the world-renowned cyclist is being stripped not only of his seven Tour de France championships and an Olympic bronze medal, but also his 4th grade district spelling bee championship. Earlier this week, a spokeswoman for the Texas-based spelling bee association released a statement saying, “We have reason […] Read more
Famous American rock and roll legend Thomas Earl “Tom” Petty has spent the past 40 years playing concerts to countless fans around the world, but it wasn’t until this past weekend that a lifelong dream of Petty’s was fulfilled. After years of struggling to break into the aeronautics game, Petty has at long last been […] Read more
Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
In a not-so-stunning change of heart, Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has approved a “sexy” new route for the TransCanada Keystone XL pipeline. Heineman had previously halted construction on the controversial pipeline over environmental concerns that the route would cut through Nebraska’s Sandhills. TransCanada responded by rerouting the pipeline to avoid the Sandhills, but the new […] Read more
Officials from the Centers for Disease Control were stunned earlier this week by an outbreak of mild cough cases that have swept across the United States. The CDC reported earlier this week that cases of the mild cough have been found in all 50 states, with over 104,680,925,002 hospitalizations reported. Confirmed deaths are estimated at […] Read more
After close to five years of deliberation, the NCAA has officially announced the vacation of the entire George W. Bush presidency and the nullification of every record he set while in office. While some of the records the former former president set, like the most word misuses in speeches, will not be missed, others may […] Read more
After a disappointing slide in performance landed the New York Giants out of the playoffs, Archie Manning, famous New Orleans Saints quarterback and father of Giants quarterback Eli Manning, has demanded a DNA test for his youngest son. The Giants’ typical November slump may have doomed them more than in past years, as the team […] Read more
After a grueling campaign, the fate of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obamacare,” has been determined; it will become law of the land. Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has been dealing with the emotional toll this news has brought him, and has found that “Obamacare” is an exceptional safe word for his BDSM (Bondage, […] Read more
