A common saying is that “there’s a first time for everything.” However, there is a darker way of putting this, one that first-time arsonist Dylan Baumann feared would become his reality: “you never get a second chance at a first impression.” “It’s always been a dream of mine to start my career off with a […] Read more
The annual release of Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte is an event typically met with mild interest and casual curiosity. But local loser Scott Phillips is no typical man. In fact, if unconfirmed reports from sources close to Phillips are to be believed, he is an “unbelievably pathetic excuse for a man with no redeeming qualities.” […] Read more
In news that continues to send shockwaves through the conservative-Christian community, the true gay agenda has finally been revealed. Fox News anchor Bill O’Reily first broke the story on Thursday night after the pocket organizer was discovered in the bathroom of a Los Angeles gay bar. There remains much speculation about the long rumored “Gay […] Read more
Nabisco, the division of Kraft Foods responsible for the creme-filled cookie the Oreo, has revealed plans for an Oreo cookie in the shape of a Möbius strip, the one-sided geometric figure. “You know those things you used to make in grade school math class? You take a strip of cardboard and turn one end and […] Read more
For more than 35 years, the tiny DC area bar Whiskey Corner has served members of White House staff as a discreet place they can go to simply be themselves. At least, this used to be the case. The bar’s owner, Paul Foster, says that before four years ago, he was never once visited by […] Read more
Michelle Duggar is known for being ready for disaster. She has shelves upon shelves of canned goods, a fire escape plan poster on almost every wall and has her phone ready to dial 911 at a moment’s notice. So it was no surprise when the star of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” announced she had […] Read more
In the aftermath of the Chicago school strike, citizens are still scratching their heads as to why the strike occurred in the first place. “We have schools here?” asked Martin Smotilli, 46. “Since when?” Many Chicago residents share this confused sentiment. David Ortellino, 56, runs a butchery in Wrigleyville. He said when found out about […] Read more
After two wars, years of rising military spending, and controversial privacy-restricting federal laws, the U.S. government finally declared the Anderson family of South Dakota winners of its controversial “War on Terror.” The Anderson family, very wealthy since finding massive oil reserves on their property over 50 years ago, was declared the winner of the War […] Read more
After more than ten years of high-pressure work environments and countless tons of recyclable plastic being sent to airport waste baskets, the Transportation Security Administration finally apprehended the infamous criminal they had been searching for since the inception of the organization. He was an elusive hooligan previously considered both at-large and extremely dangerous: the Bottled […] Read more
House Republicans reaffirmed their position that the female body is truly a wonderland. “What I’ve always been told by Doctors,” said Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, “Is that women can only get pregnant if they want to. It’s a like a switch that they turn off and on, and only if the man consents to having […] Read more
