The Cancer Moonshot Task Force might have made a breakthrough. This past week, a groggy, bloodshot Biden spoke at the Task Force’s executive meeting and gave those in attendance a very vague idea about how to move forward. “You know man, these scientists have already done a ton of research,” Biden said. “Maybe it’s time […] Read more
After Jeb Bush’s disappointing announcement of his campaign’s suspension, Donald Trump has been searching desperately to find a new punching bag. It seems Governor Pete Ricketts is just what Trump was looking for, following the intercept of a private e-mail from Trump to the governor. The email reads: TO: Pete Rickets babywarbucks1964@aol.com Cc: Jeb Bush […] Read more
A new study from a team of scientists at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln discovered some troubling new statistics for nameless, ski-masked henchmen. After months of research, the scientists have concluded that the leading cause of death for henchmen is being thrown out of helicopters by white males with short stubble during aerial hand-to-hand brawls. Official […] Read more
Last week, honey fiend Thomas Grigsby was stung to death by a tidal wave of bees after attempting what was most likely a grand honey caper. Grigsby did not account for the veritable wave of bees who stung him again and again in defense of their golden ambrosia, leaving the 27-year-old man’s body almost unidentifiable. […] Read more
Rick Hartley doesn’t have much time for political correctness, or as he calls it, “being a liberal pussy”. According to sources, the area libertarian has a lengthy history of loudly listing off political issues to anyone within earshot, utilizing just enough lengthy words as to appear not entirely batshit. According to witnesses, this past Friday […] Read more
In response to backlash against the discovery of lead in Flint’s water, the state of Michigan has decided to replace the lead with graphite. Gov. Rick Snyder believes that this is “a suitable replacement.” “We’ve listened to what the people have to say,” Snyder said. “It’s obvious that putting lead in the water was a […] Read more
Justin Brown, better known by his performing name Justin Joy, has been encouraging workplaces and organizations since 1997 as a motivational speaker. However, Joy’s professional career seems to be in jeopardy as details emerge about little work he does during the week. “I don’t understand all the criticism of my work,” Joy said in a […] Read more
After the recent loss of a popular actor from the “Harry Potter” films, Alan Rickman, many people are mourning the loss of one of the most dynamic and passionate performers of a generation. On social media, countless supporters of Rickman and the series based off of J.K. Rowling’s bestselling books offered their condolences and revisited […] Read more
The Washington Post rocked the world of journalism Sunday as it unveiled an #innovative new style guide, becoming the first newspaper to require a hashtag in every sentence of its articles. “In today’s Web 2.0 environment, maintaining a fresh #brand is all about engaging with trending topics in the blogosphere,” explained Post owner and Amazon founder […] Read more
Sucking petulantly at a spoonful of greasy noodles from an MRE package purchased a decade ago in apprehensive expectation of worldwide economic collapse, local conspiracy theorist Eugene Dawson, 27, pictured, was emotionally devastated to learn this past Wednesday that the United States government has absolutely no interest in keeping tabs on him and his activities. […] Read more
