by Carl, the NSA Surveillance Worker Hey dude, got a minute to talk? Cool. This may sound weird, because you don’t know me, but I sure do know a lot about you. In fact, you could say it’s my job to know a lot about you, haha! Well, if you haven’t guessed it already, it’s […] Read more
Growing up in Nigeria, I heard many stories about the kindness, generosity and good will of the American people. You have all disappointed me. Not long ago, there were violent rebel factions seizing Nigerian banks, effectively holding my family’s fortune hostage. Having heard so much about Americans’ understanding nature, I reached out to thousands by […] Read more
Hello, world. It’s been a while! I just wanted everyone to know that my cats and I, particularly that minx Spartacus, have been doing very well. We’ve kept busy selling arts and crafts and doing things around the house, like when I redecorated the couch with a new slipcover. It’s those kinds of exciting changes […] Read more
Hey there fellow lawbreakers! We all know drugs aren’t the easiest thing to come by nowadays and that good dealers are hard to find. It’s a never-ending cycle. You find a reliable guy and all of a sudden he’s sketch as hell. It starts innocently with your calls not being returned, and before long he […] Read more
It seems to me that students have forgotten the benefits of slacking off. When did the time-worn tradition of “get C’s, get degrees” go out of style? I’m tired of my group badgering me to come to class for group projects. It’s worth ten points. I don’t turn in anything worth less than thirty points […] Read more
We, the Daily Nebraskan editorial staff, love the First Amendment. It allows us to make such outlandish statements as “Nebraska football is back this year” and “ASUN represents the student body.” There is no idea more sacred to journalism than that of free speech, and we strive to protect that right at any cost. But […] Read more
Now, I know you people don’t know who I am, but I just started playing guitar three weeks ago, and these goyim at the coffee shop ask me to play some Boss song, “Born to Run.” Oy. How do you expect me to play “Born to Run”? I’m not the rock legend Bruce Springsteen, you […] Read more
Publishing a newspaper is harder than you might think. You, dear reader, might think that being satirical is easy and fun. Just change things around, make it ironic or catchy, make up a few names, hit the magic “publish” button and lo and behold, a paper is born. You also may or may not have […] Read more
Hey ladies. It’s mid-February—a time to celebrate love and intimacy. The best way to lure in and capture the one you’ve got your eye on is to foster an attachment so strong and close that your Valentine will never, ever, ever leave you. We all know I’ve got Rihanna hanging out on the side, […] Read more
Hello, sir or madam; I understand we are now to be partners in “Monopoly,” the grand game of capitalism so dear to the American heart. I am new to the region, having replaced that terribly gauche iron beast, and am pleased to offer my services as board marker. My dear chum Mr. Pennybags has told […] Read more
