A recent poll of dolphins, ages five to 25, by Gallup has shown that most dolphins would prefer to one day swallow a piece of garbage and choke to death. In distant second place, dolphins preferred to take a harpoon through the heart from a fisherman. Getting stuck on the beach and starving to death was the third most popular cause of death among dolphins polled.

“Last week I was hanging out in the bay, swimming next to a boat with my cousin screaming profanities at the humans and eating scraps dropped overboard,” Eee, a local dolphin, said. “My cousin accidentally swam under the boat and got torn to shreds by the propeller. One minute he was fine, and the next his entire bottom half was just absolutely torn to shit, dude.

“It was horrible,” Eee went on. “Then, this asshole shark I went to school with came up with his friends, and devoured the rest of him.”

Other dolphins agreed with Eee’s sentiment.

“I eat every piece of trash I can find, hoping it lodges in my throat or blowhole, or whatever we breathe through.” Aaaa, another dolphin, said. “My sister got caught in a tuna net a few months ago. Instead of just pushing her overboard, which, honestly would have been the easiest thing to do, one of the humans beat her to death with a hammer. Humans are lucky we don’t have thumbs, because we’d be the ones in charge.”