Breaking news from Mills, Iowa indicates that an explosion caused by an internal fire at the Mills Power & Electric Plant led to a radiation spillage from the company’s Research and Design wing. Toxic spewage leaked into several of the town’s irrigation tunnels and has since infected many townspeople with varying degrees of radiation exposure.

“I think the most disappointing thing to come out of this whole debacle is that absolutely no one in the town has reported any kind of abnormal strength, x-ray vision or other super powers of any kind,” said Police Chief Frank Yolkes.

Plant personnel were instructed not to discuss to the incident, citing the classified nature of the experiments.

“When catastrophes of this magnitude occur–whether they be Gamma radiation exposure, tragic loss of both parents in a dark alleyway, or some kind of sweet DNA mutation–it is reasonable to expect some kind marvelous human feats of will or strength as a result,” according to Dr. Rich Jurren, Leading Researcher at the University of Iowa.

Reports suggest the level of radiation infecting the residents of Mills is equal to about two dozen x-rays or 6 years of cell phone use, and is unlikely to cause any noticeable negative effects in the surrounding communities.

“We were told to expect powers up to and including laser vision, rock skin, metallic space surfing, or unassisted flight,” concluded Chief Yolkes. “We’ve all been greatly saddened by this news to the contrary, and the town of Mills will attempt to resolve this unfortunate turn of events as quickly as possible.”