Recently, rumors have been circulating around that I am an alien from planet Glorbnob in the Ballucian system. These rumors however, are ridiculous.

I am a human from the planet Earth, I enjoy eating 30 cheeseburgers a day and drinking soda pops through my mouth. So how then, I have to ask, could I possibly be from the planet Glorbnob? The answer here is that I’m not.

The proud Glorbnobians are well known throughout the galaxy for not liking cheeseburgers; they think they’re gross, and I eat 30 of those things a day! This is elementary school stuff here, fellow humans.

The fact that I even have to defend my humanity is ludicrous, to say the least. I mean, come on Earthians. I have all the same values you we do, such as drinking water as beautiful and crystallized as the water from the lakes of Glorbnob 5 Michigan, and metabolizing it with my 12 kidneys and three super kidneys.

I also value having sex with fellow human women for the sole purpose of propagating our already bountiful species, and have done so several times–all of which resulted in a pregnancy brought to term in the normal time of three days nine months.

Another thing that usually comes up is the matter of my antennae. Government officials and obsessive crackpots always come up to me saying, “Well, Gleeborb, if you really are a human, and not a Glorbnobian like you say you are, why do you have large antennae protruding from your cranium?”

The answer is simple. I was born with them; I have a rare birth defect that causes me to have antennae sprout from my head, which allow me to pick up both TV and radio signals, as well as read the minds of fellow humans.

All of this having been said, I think it’s clear to see that I, Gleeborb Zandarf, am not from the superior planet Glorbnob, but rather, the inferior planet Earth.