As Husker football season approaches, junior accounting major Robert Morton is in crisis mode. A die hard Husker fan, Morton is deeply troubled by his inability to sing the school’s fight song, “Hail Varsity”.

Morton, who can recite the height, weight, hometown and high school of every Nebraska player since the Devaney years, is baffled every time he hears the song played.

“I know it’s the school song and all,” Morton said. “I just honestly don’t get how a sane person could put the lyrics to the music.”

Morton isn’t the only Big Red faithful that’s confused when the Cornhusker Marching Band begins playing the familiar strains. Sophomore criminal justice major Lorenzo Render is also thrown for a loop.

“I mean, we can all just look up the lyrics,” Render said. “But it’s still anyone’s guess as to how they fit with the tune.

A DailyER correspondent made the trip to the Westbrook Music Building to conduct interviews with university staff. When an unnamed faculty member was presented with questions about the “Hail Varsity” lyrics, a burlap hood was suddenly produced, and the reporter later found himself inside a circle of chanting Glenn Korff School of Music faculty in a candle-lit room.

Calling themselves the Keepers of the Varsity, these faculty members remarked that only a select few know the exact lyrics. One hooded professor remarked that “No student has known the truth since Vince Salzman, class of ‘57.”

The DailyER contacted Morton again following this incident. An emotional Morton explained that his latest attempt to put lyrics to music had failed in a most spectacular fashion.

“I just don’t get it,” Morton said after his sobbing ended. “I’ve tried drugs, I’ve tried listening backwards, hell, I’ve even translated it to foreign languages. Nothing works.”

The DailyER also reached out to numerous sources within the Scarlet Guard and the Innocents Society. At press time, one cease and desist letter and one cryptic threat had been received in reply. The investigation is ongoing.