Recently elected Association of Students of the University of Nebraska President Spencer Hartman spoke early and often about fanning the flames burning within students, as well as turning their fiery passions into raging infernos. And although Hartman had a few run-ins with student publications in the 2014-15 school year, he has apparently developed a passion for satirical news publications.

 

Sources close to Hartman have revealed to the HalfasskanER that Hartman’s prized pocket Constitution might not be all that it seems. Hartman’s habit of carrying the document on his person at all times was mentioned often during his successful ASUN campaign. However, new information suggests this is nothing but a sham.

 

“Oh, Spence really does love the Constitution, don’t get me wrong,” our anonymous source said. “But, lately, he’s developed a taste for low-brow, pandering bullshit.”

 

The source went on to describe Hartman’s new fetish of tucking copies of the DailyER into his once sacred historical document.

 

“It’s almost like the weird kid who cuts out the pictures from nudie mags and puts them in his textbooks.”

 

They continued to paint a picture of Hartman’s private life, describing the “shrine” of old DailyER’s Hartman stores in his linen closet.

 

Another unnamed source described the origin of Hartman’s new obsession.

 

“He absolutely cracked up at the article about the bee attack,” they described. “He always had a thing for bee humor, and it finally broke through his anti-satire shell.”

However, not every student shares Hartman’s enthusiasm.

 

“I just don’t think a president should be reading such garbage,” said Jill Braesch, senior culinary science major. “I mean, what if he forgets the fight song lyrics because of it? I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

Other students feel differently and think this is a good thing for the president-elect.

 

“I’m really excited that our student body president is finally giving up his vendetta against jokes that he doesn’t like,” senior international relations major Evan Holohan said.

 

“I’m glad our college will be guided by the mature and steady hands of Shartman.”