In a move sure to anger many world leaders, North Korea released a statement outlining their intent to test the patience of the rest of the world. “It is our goal,” the statement reads, “to see how far we can push the boundaries with the restrictions other nations try to put on us, whether it […] Read more
Facebook is constant in its pursuit to appeal to everyone. Now, this extends to the broken-hearted. After months of tweaking in beta form, Facebook revealed its new “Days Since She Loved You” feature, a small box that keeps time, to the second, since the last time she truly felt she loved you. Facebook engineer Kathryn […] Read more
Splattered with the life matter of thousands of virgins, UNL student Kevin Ballock is having trouble focusing in his contemporary math course. “It’s in my eyes,” Ballock, a senior sociology major, said. “My eyes are burning kind of badly.” Ballock is among thousands of students questioning UNL’s decision to remain open this past Monday despite […] Read more
Sasha! Malia! Would you two please stop fighting! I swear to all that is holy, if you don’t shut up I will turn this country around right now! Do you really want that? First, I’ll start chipping away at the healthcare reform. Don’t think I won’t do it! Next, I’ll take away the gun control. […] Read more
So as most of you know, Hilary has been pretty sick this past month. First the exhaustion, then the concussion, then the blood clot . . . it’s been a mess. But she’s spent a lot of time at home recovering, and as you may have noticed at her congressional hearing last week, she’s back […] Read more
The Alabama Crimson Tide, fresh off their successful defeat of the Notre Dame Fighting Te’os in the recent BCS National Championship, begrudgingly announced that, beginning in August of this year, they will found a University. Head coach Nick Saban explained. “For years, the NCAA has been on our ass. ‘Stop oversigning. Make kids go to […] Read more
Amin al-Ganem is no stranger to child-rearing. A father of four, he and his wife Fatima know the ups and downs of family life well. As of last night, however, the Syrian family can add another moment to their list of proudest memories: their youngest son’s first IED. Three year-old Saleh reportedly gathered the scrap […] Read more
Citing the “need to protect its sacred shores from the increasing Zionist threat,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledged to launch the newly-retooled Iranian naval fleet, “just as soon as the wind picks up a bit.” “The threats against our sovereignty are many and varied,” said Ahmadinejad, whose 2012 re-election was highly contested. “Therefore it is […] Read more
Following the news of Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal, the world-renowned cyclist is being stripped not only of his seven Tour de France championships and an Olympic bronze medal, but also his 4th grade district spelling bee championship. Earlier this week, a spokeswoman for the Texas-based spelling bee association released a statement saying, “We have reason […] Read more
Famous American rock and roll legend Thomas Earl “Tom” Petty has spent the past 40 years playing concerts to countless fans around the world, but it wasn’t until this past weekend that a lifelong dream of Petty’s was fulfilled. After years of struggling to break into the aeronautics game, Petty has at long last been […] Read more
