After taking an unusually long detour back to work, Greg Schniepp was suddenly overtaken by the great vastness of the parking lot in which his colony resides. Greg, a professional harvesting ant living just outside a Des Moines-area McDonald’s, took a life-changing gaze out into the distance Sunday night. “I looked deep into the swirling, […] Read more
After a supreme 1st quarter effort that left Ohio State scrambling for answers, Coach Bo Pelini experienced the rare emotion of leading a football game on the road. “It was surreal, looking up at the scoreboard after the first quarter and seeing us in the lead,” said Pelini. “I stopped paying attention after that, though. […] Read more
Following an “intense” four-hour interview process, the cast of ESPN’s “College Football Live” program was eager to report that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban’s balls are “absolutely delicious in every way.” Host Rece Davis, himself an Alabama alumni, was reported to have spent the most “private time” with Saban. “Let me tell you, I’ve never […] Read more
Police chief Kevin Cern cleared his throat. His eyes searched the room for a moment, then he spoke into the microphone. “We’ve found Carmen Sandiego.” Thus was the end of the 29-year-long, global search for Sandiego marked. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a storybook ending. Her body was found in a creek bed behind an apartment complex […] Read more
A common saying is that “there’s a first time for everything.” However, there is a darker way of putting this, one that first-time arsonist Dylan Baumann feared would become his reality: “you never get a second chance at a first impression.” “It’s always been a dream of mine to start my career off with a […] Read more
The annual release of Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte is an event typically met with mild interest and casual curiosity. But local loser Scott Phillips is no typical man. In fact, if unconfirmed reports from sources close to Phillips are to be believed, he is an “unbelievably pathetic excuse for a man with no redeeming qualities.” […] Read more
A student turning the ripe old age of 21 is bound to develop something short of a drinking problem, but junior Seth Waylan has taken it to a new level. Seth, in this first semester, has actually been more hungover than he has been sober, a feat that has seriously taken a toll on his […] Read more
The time is now, comrades! We, the numerous, loathsome, and cowardly are in a unique position to stage the greatest revolution this square mile has ever seen. We bedbugs have had a long history of oppression. We’ve been studied in labs, hunted in places normally reserved for rest and relaxation, and even burned to death […] Read more
In news that continues to send shockwaves through the conservative-Christian community, the true gay agenda has finally been revealed. Fox News anchor Bill O’Reily first broke the story on Thursday night after the pocket organizer was discovered in the bathroom of a Los Angeles gay bar. There remains much speculation about the long rumored “Gay […] Read more
