Story by Grace Mortensen Former Tunisian President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali is reported to be enjoying his time out of office. “Surprisingly, retirement is treating me very well,” said the former leader. Ben Ali ended his 23 year dictatorship on Jan. 14, when the people of Tunisia kindly asked him to step down. “They […] Read more
Long time “friends with benefits” Dean Welton and Sherry Rogers have each had a fairly successful record of loveless hook-ups and booty calls in the past few years. But yesterday, Welton reported that he was once again experiencing the highly volatile situation that occurs annually at this time of year — Valentine’s Day. While couples […] Read more
As the violent revolutions rage on in Egypt, Yemen and Tunisia, interested parties have been debating solutions to soothe the unrest. While international organizations find themselves short-handed in devising such plans, there seems to be a sliver of hope in the form of a stocky, white man, residing comfortably in his mother’s Lincoln basement. “The […] Read more
The Chicago Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler was benched in the playoff game versus the Green Bay Packers last week, though it was not initially clear why he was being kept off the field. After extensive medical tests, it has been determined that Cutler tore his lower right sad muscle. The injury, which occurred on a […] Read more
More than three decades after the introduction of its namesake meal, Runza announced late Monday that they would be changing the recipe. Runza spokesman Robert Jamison explained the company’s reasoning. “The Runza has long been our most successful product,” said Jamison. “However, a recent change in health laws, and specifically the enforcement of these laws, […] Read more
Alan Graison, Republican Senator from North Carolina, said he prides himself on “fighting the good fight for America.” Graison is responsible for legislation in his home state of North Carolina preventing residents from driving go-carts under the influence of methamphetamines, an issue responsible for approximately 24% of fatal accidents in North Carolina, until the bill […] Read more
“Let my people go” was a common chant from the raging streets of Cairo. Cats flooded the streets, and passersby stopped their protesting to worship them. Mummies were also reported to have reanimated themselves to join in active disapproval of the Pharaoh’s command, which has been sustained since before the Common Era. “Really, it has […] Read more
Local resident Steve Yoaks wondered aloud yesterday where his life had gone wrong while sitting alone at Shuang Cheng Restaurant. “I just can’t seem to pinpoint exactly when I got to the point where eating alone at a sit-down Chinese Restaurant was an okay way to spend an evening,” Yoaks said to literally no one. […] Read more
Aung San Suu Kyi finally obtained internet access this past week following her 15-year stint under house arrest, marking it her first experience with the World Wide Web since its creation. After hours of browsing, Suu Kyi summed up her initial reaction in three words. “What the hell?” Suu Kyi asked, eyes wide in disbelief. […] Read more
Though the Democratic side of the aisle was relatively empty, Republicans showed up in force on Thursday to hear newly sworn-in Speaker John Boehner read a great American document aloud. Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss. “Would you eat them in a box?” Boehner queried his fellow Representatives. “Would you eat them with a fox?” The […] Read more
