LANCASTER COUNTY COURTHOUSE– After years and years of undying support of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, our beloved Lil’ Red has had enough. The 30-year-old child is reportedly suing the Husker Athletic Department for decades of semi-abusive child labor.

“He really just feels used,” said Sigourney Weaver, long-time girlfriend of Lil’ Red. She continued, “All he’s ever known is work, he never had a childhood. Ever since ‘93, his routine has just been, wake up, do his awkward little hobble-walk to the stadium, walk around giving hugs to thousands of grubby children, go home, sob himself to sleep, repeat. “I’m really proud of him for finally standing up.”

“I remember when that little punk got this shitty job,” said Herbie Husker with a far-off, cheerless look in his synthetic eyeballs. “I knew I couldn’t let another good man fall down the grim path of the college-athletics-mascotry. The constant pressure to be a silly, goofy goober really wears on a person.

“Bo Pelini was Herbie’s only friend, if I’m being honest, Herbie continued. “While Bo was abusive to just about everyone in his life, he had a soft spot for Red. When Mike Riley was hired and Bo went to Youngstown State, damn, Red went into a really dark place.

“And oh my god, when Frost was hired, no one knows what happened. I remember having lunch with Herky Hawkeye and he thought that Lil’ Red went on a three-week cocaine-bender and ended up in Equatorial Guinea.”

Herbie took a long draw off his Lucky Strike unfiltered cigarette. “It’s wild out here, man.”