Story by Mitch McCann

Following investigations into the New Orleans Saints’ allegations of “bounty hunting” among NFL players, in which players or staff offer large sums of money for questionable hits on opposing players, league officials have uncovered numerous instances of severe full-body tackling of individuals occurring nearly every Sunday during the 2011-2012 season.

Officials sent agents into each of the league’s 32 teams to probe staff and players about these concerning practices, only to find that every week players suffered sudden and momentary attacks from players on the opposing team.

“It wasn’t brought to light until the investigations started, but even in light practices, the agents found that individuals holding a designated egg-shaped ball would garner attention from opposing players during field exercises and were almost immediately subject to vicious lunges and unprovoked aggression,” said Head Investigator Troy Sterling.

While league activity has not yet been suspended, sources expect investigations to continue until the reasons behind the erratic behavior can be properly addressed and diagnosed by NFL authorities.

“These are grown men here. Yet they behave as if there’s something at stake here. No self-respecting man would pursue a fellow human being with such fervor unless there was something seriously amiss,” said Dr. Roger Holden, Consulting Diagnostician. “We have yet to uncover any basic logic behind the players’ actions, but we are hopeful that we can conclude investigations before the fall, when it appears the behavior presents itself, en masse, on a near-weekly basis.”