So it turns out that what the say is true. Everyone really is a critic. I’m sick and tired of hearing everyone complain about my league. Millions of people watch the NFL, my baby, every weekend, and every weekend all I hear is nagging, nagging, nagging. They always tell me, “Defense just isn’t what it used to be,” and you know what? I think I finally agree.

Four or five years ago, the New England Patriots had a defense you couldn’t get through with a machete. Way back when, if you wanted to pass into Chicago’s secondary, somebody would have to fake a seizure. And I’m pretty sure Ed Reed actually used to eat receivers until they got him one of those cone things they give rabid dogs.
But griping isn’t why they pay me the big bucks. I’m a decision-maker and a problem-solver, and wouldn’t you know it–the solution’s been right under our noses the whole time. They always say the best offense is a good defense, so why can’t it kind of be the other way around? Why can’t a pretty good to moderately successful offense be the best defense? Just take Tim Tebow. Have you seen this guy? That dude is a six out of ten any day of the week. Even our “perfect” Packers almost lost to the Vikings… that one would have stung. I’ve also heard that on a clear day you can just barely make out an offense somewhere in the NFC East.

I know defense is kind of a trend that waxes and wanes, but these guys are tripping all over themselves! I don’t want to think of how many games went the other way ‘cause some safety can’t keep his hands to himself and draws a pass interference call, or some jaggoff on the kicking team hits a line judge instead of the punt returner. Someone cue the Benny Hill song, for Pete Carroll’s sake.