Hippies be damned: I don’t like them, their trees or their hugging. I hate the outside. I like buildings and I like being inside of them.

Millions of years ago, dinosaurs ruled the world. They were big and couldn’t fit inside of caves. You know what could? Mammals. Mammals could. You know what happened to the dinosaurs? They died — they all died, because they’re stupid and lived life outside.

Now, here we are. Alive and well. Yet, people still like being outdoors? Why? What do you have out there you don’t have inside the comfort of an indoors? Clouds? Big deal, clouds suck. Rain? We have showers, idiot. The fresh smell of nature, maybe? Use Febreze plugins, dammit.

The only thing nature has over the benefits of an indoor life is air conditioning – oh wait. It doesn’t have that either. Because nature sucks and shouldn’t be enjoyed by anyone ever.

You people are dumb as hell. If you want a scenic view of mountains, google it. Don’t go to mountains, are you insane? They’re tall, pointy and a waste of time. Want to go camping? Here’s a quick suggestion: don’t. If you like camping, you like being stupid.

I wish I could take a poll to see who actually prefers the outside. So I could email all of them a picture of me dropping a dookie in the toilet of the building dweller and stamp their photo on the visual representation of their dumb, stupid opinion that’s bad.

They literally make no sense. Even all of their outdoor stores for outdooring: the Cabela’s’s, the Bass Pro Shops’s, the Dick’s Sporting Good’s? All INDOORS. INDOORS, DAMMIT. God, just stop being a moron and never leave your house – never – there’s nothing outside but painful boredom, bugs and overall badness.