Not even two months into the first semester, UNL is already seeing skyrocketing adoption rates. No, not children, fish. 

In a fun, move-in day gesture with her new roommate, freshman Riley Ricks decided to buy a goldfish to enhance the quality of her new dorm. “Goldfish just have an undeniable vibe, they’re just so, like, orange” Ricks was reported saying. “I just thought having one would be fun, ya know? I never expected it to be such a burden.” 

“Oh yeah, hell no,” said Ricks’ roommate. “That thing has been a bitch ever since we got it. We brought it home and not even two hours later it had eaten its entire can of food, jacked my Netflix password, and called me fat.” “Like for real, we should flush that bitch for all I care.” 

Ricks continued with glassy eyes, “I just, never have had to let go of something like this before, he was so young when he was in the store. A baby, free of all life’s troubles. But as soon as he grew up, he… he… changed.” 

“Listen, my name is Verne, alright. And imagine how it feels to be me” said the goldfish, in a thick, Boston accent. “I was born into this world with 300 other lil’ dudes just like me. You gotta be mean to survive. And then all of a sudden, two privileged little freshmen come along and say ‘omg that one is so cute, let’s get him.’ First of all, I am not cute, I’m sexy. Second of all, who the fuck buys a fish for a dorm? BUY A FUTON OR A BEANBAG OR SOME SHIT DON’T BUY A FISH”.