Capitol Hill was in a furor earlier this week when news leaked that Scott Brown, the newly elected junior senator from Massachusetts, came out as bipartisan to his parents.

“We never expected it,” said Brown’s conservative-minded mother, Judith. “There he was, campaigning on a platform of petty partisanship like a good congressional hopeful, and now we find out that he was secretly dreaming of supporting the democratic jobs bill in the Senate. We’re frankly shocked.”

“But, of course, we’ll support him whatever his life choices,” said the senator’s father, C. Bruce Brown. “Sometimes these young politicians just have to experiment before they settle down in a nice ideological rut like everyone else.”

An interview with senior Massachusetts Senator John Kerry yielded a very different view of Brown’s long-hidden secret shame.

“I’m frankly not comfortable with the idea,” Kerry said at a press conference as he ran carefully manicured hands through his beautiful silvery locks. “I mean, I knew the man was Republican. I was alright with the fact — welcomed it, really, as an opportunity to reach out to the Republican community. He had signed me up for a Republican Pride Rally and everything. But the thought of him swinging both sides of the aisle … I could be voting with people he’s voted with. That’s just a bit too Tila Tequila for my taste.”

At press time, no White House official had made a statement in support or condemnation of the senator’s revelation. Privately, however, the president was heard to ask first lady Michelle Obama if she would “ever think about having [Brown] over for, you know, a three-way discussion on regulating the pornography industry and stuff.”

Sen. Brown was spotted last week getting into a black Saab with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Majority Leader Harry Reid. Brown’s aides disclosed that the three senators were headed to an exclusive French restaurant for a romantic candlelight dinner and discussion on how to reform health care.