In an unprecedented move that sent frigid chills down the spines of all who beheld it, thousands of University of Nebraska-Lincoln undergraduates gathered in a large, humanoid mass of sheer magnitude and destruction to become a literal student body earlier this week. The Godzilla-like gargantuan, besides instilling pure and utter fear into the hearts of feeble mortals, was started in an effort to counteract student disunity.
“We just, you know, felt like this was the best way to come together as a school,” said junior Taya Faulkner, who was located in the right shoulder. “And now that we can terrorize the city as one, I feel like it’s really brought us all together!”
The terrifying behemoth proceeded to let out its mighty, deafening roar heard in all six of Nebraska’s neighboring states, shattering nearly every single window and creating a gnarl of brick, steel and concrete from soundwaves toppling the heartland’s infrastructure. Each step caused severe tremors in the surrounding earth, making this story increasingly difficult to type out.
Governor Pete Ricketts declared a state of emergency and a barrage of troops and tanks could be seen rolling down 12th Street to meet the giant head-on, who was in the process of gnawing on the Temple Building. The collegiate colossus then turned and breathed an enormous wall of fire directly towards the cavalry, singeing eyebrows and amplifying the panic that gripped the wide-eyed onlookers.
“Fire? Really?!” exclaimed a surprised, browless and slightly disgruntled man as he fled the scene. “I mean, it’s already massive! That’s just bullshit.”
UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green said with an unsettled tone that he would take the responsibility of trying to reason with the beast.
“This-this is not what I meant when I wanted a stronger student union,” he gulped. “I, um, I’m going to go talk to them.”
Green then grabbed a University Cheer Squad-issued megaphone and began to walk towards the last known whereabouts of the leviathan, which was seen crawling into a massive crater of dark oblivion where Memorial Stadium’s field once sat.
Neither the Chancellor, nor the Student Body, have been heard from since.
