A recent study shows that there are thousands of UNL’s TrueRed scarfs laying around campus, collecting dust in freshmens’ sad little dorms. Luckily, the DailyER is here with ten ways you can turn these cheaply-made recruitment gimmicks into fully functioning, life-improving devices.
- A Yoga mat. When doing your daily sun salutations, it’s important to flex that you pay tens of thousands of dollars to a school that uses those dollars to manufacture giant, ugly scarfs.
- Hang Glider travel. By simply waving the scarf above your head and jumping off the highest building you can find, you can get anywhere on campus in mere seconds. (Note: the DailyER is not responsible for the actions of idiots who read the DailyER.)
- Wiping. If you run out of copies of the DailyER when wiping in the bathroom, your scarf can become a scratchy yet effective replacement.
- Decor. Because what’s more welcoming than a giant, ugly scarf hanging from the wall of your dorm?
- A measuring device. By our measurements, the scarf is five feet long, so the next time you’re measuring something, don’t use a measuring tape like your grandfather, use this hip-happenin’ scarf that UNL mailed you in the dead of summer.
- A scarf. (Dammit, why did I say I’d write ten of these?)
- Give it to L’il Red when it gets cold. That motherfucker is outside rain or shine in nothing but a shirt and some red overalls. And he’s a child!
- Tie them all together. Legend has it that when you tie 30 scarfs together, it summons an evil spirit from the bowels of hell. Coincidentally, the last time this ritual was performed was the day Pete Ricketts was elected Governor.
- A blindfold. Campus looks way better if you can’t see.
- An emergency towel. Nah, who am I kidding? If you’re reading the DailyER, you don’t shower anyway.
