After more than ten years of high-pressure work environments and countless tons of recyclable plastic being sent to airport waste baskets, the Transportation Security Administration finally apprehended the infamous criminal they had been searching for since the inception of the organization. He was an elusive hooligan previously considered both at-large and extremely dangerous: the Bottled Water Smuggler.

“The BWS, as we call him, first struck immediately post-9/11 and led to a radical change in airline policy. We were forced to prevent any and all passengers from passing through our security check with suspicious-looking bottles of Aquafina, Dasani, Nestle Pure Life, and any other questionable forms of clear, uncontaminated liquid,” said TSA Chairperson Richard Feingold.

“What the masses easily forget is that a bomb can be made of virtually anything, especially water. Water is the most nefarious of bomb-prone liquids,” continued Feingold.

Since the first bottled water incident in 2001, TSA agents have vigilantly pursued and forbidden the passage of seemingly harmless liquid matter through their security checkpoints.

“We refer to almost any amount of mellifluous substance over 3.4 ounces simply as ‘bomb water,’ a sentiment we feel should be mirrored by the public,” added veteran TSA agent Russ Watts.

“Attempting to convince passengers that that bottle of unstable viscous material in their hands is two sticks of dynamite away from becoming a bomb is nothing short of terrifying.”