“I spilled a Coke on myself once,” Dane Damon said as he sat back in his dorm room desk chair. A lamp illuminated his face from the right. “It was all over me. There was a hole in the cup.”

For most people, spilling Coke on yourself at a wedding would seem like reason to panic, but not for sly dog Dane Damon. “It was the first time I spilled,” he said. “I was 12.”

Dane’s mother, Tracy, said he was a parent’s dream. “The kid never spilled. I just remember [his father] Jamison saying, ‘I think we got a broken one’ every time he didn’t spill or make a mess.”

It was because of sure-handed baby/toddler/kid Dane, his parents didn’t know a very special ability he possessed until the day of his sister’s wedding. Alicia only had a month to live, and her dying wish was to get married to her high school sweetheart.

“It was like a miracle,” Alicia, now dead, said. “It bounced like Nicki Minaj’s ass off of him and onto the floor.”

The day went from Alicia’s finest, to the day that Dane beat Coke.

Ever since then, Dane has taken up competitive swimming. While the sophomore doesn’t actually know how to swim, he sets world records by sprinting along the bottom of the pool while the water avoids him.

“The trick [obviously] is not opening your mouth because it deactivates the liquid barrier,” Dane said. “When that happens, I get absolutely doused.

When I asked how he showers, Dane smiled, reached under his futon and pulled out an inflatable kiddie pool and a 5-gallon bucket of kitty litter. “The baking soda,” he said, “removes the odor.”