College student finally realizes that his classes weren’t stupid – he’s stupid
Keith Hard At Work
Local “Star Wars” kid won’t stop talking
He is back at it again. We all know him, and we wish we did not know him. Many sources spot this kid continuously raving about George Lucas’s pop-culture phenomenon known as “Star Wars.” I mean, seriously. This kid is known for wearing the same Princess Leia shirt every time he is spotted. Many sources […] Read more
Pete Ricketts excited to catch up with Jeff Bezos at annual head-waxing convention
Nebraska governor Pete Ricketts is excited to catch up with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos at an annual head-waxing convention, the bald headed politician told reporters Monday. “I’ve been waiting all year to hang out with Jeff at this year’s Wax-a-thon,” Ricketts noted. “Last year, his stories about suppressing his most vulnerable employees really cracked me […] Read more
After Shutting Down All Covid Testing Sites, UNL Tells Students To “Figure It Out”
The COVID-19 pandemic has affected every aspect of our lives, and for students at UNL, it has brought many new routines. The biggest one is required saliva-based testing every 10 days, following CDC guidelines. This week UNL has decided to change the routine by closing all testing locations after Wednesday. Students checking the “Safer Community” […] Read more
Opinion: America brought back Fascism, so what now?
The past four years have been a disaster and unfortunately answered “how did the Germans let Hitler come to power?” It took this long for “the Great American Experiment” to surprise us all with the rise of extreme nationalism and fascism within our borders. Initially, I was not surprised, since growing up I learned a […] Read more
UNL bursar’s office announces new student fee because, fuck it, why not?
The bursar’s office at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced a new fucking student fee Friday, effective for the Spring 2021 semester. “The new ‘campus sidewalk’ fee will be assessed to all students for their use of UNL’s sidewalks, roads, and alleys,” explained Charles Watson, director of the UNL bursar’s office. “We thought it was appropriate […] Read more
Amid mask mandates, on campus snacker absorbs Poptart through butthole
Sophomore Zeke Trexel is hungry as fuck. His stomach is rumbling from missing breakfast as he sits in his intro to anthropology course. The very excited professor is going on and on about monkeys, and all Zeke can think about is how delicious their meat must be. As he’s fantasizing about which marinade would go […] Read more
“Music is my passion,” reports student getting C in History of Rock
The University of Nebraska Lincoln class MUNM287, better known as History of Rock, attracts passionate musicians from all types of majors across campus. “I like both business and ag a lot, but I’d say that music is my true passion,” freshman agribusiness major Jack Edwards told reporters Monday. “I love to jam with my friends […] Read more
Opinion: Who needs Husker football when there are hot MILFs in your area
Well, that’s it. The sun has officially set on Husker football this fall.* The Saturday tradition of blacking out at Memorial Stadium by halftime will have to take place elsewhere. What are the Big Red masses to do without their prime time pigskin play from our boys in scarlet and cream? Well, thanks to a […] Read more
University Health Center to begin offering Zoom STD exams
The University Health Center at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln will soon begin offering free STD exams to students over the video conferencing platform Zoom, the Health Center announced Friday. “Beginning next week, students will be able to schedule virtual STD checks with our team of experienced medical professionals,” explained Health Center director Dr. Lawrence Thornton. […] Read more
