Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
The guy in the corner at the party is playing “Wonderwall” again, report party-goers. The guy, who has yet to be identified, picked up a guitar that had been discarded carelessly almost immediately after arriving at the party alone shortly after 10:30 pm. After nodding to a few people and glancing in the direction of […] Read more
Following the recent budget talks in Washington, reports have surfaced that members of the Republican Party have begun meeting in secret to discuss a plan of action for reversing the current course of the United States’ debt. “A summit was held last Wednesday by members of the Republican party in an effort to quell the […] Read more
Self-proclaimed atheist Duncan Johnson appeared at Union College yesterday, standing in the courtyard right outside the student union yelling about science and other ungodly things. Johnson showed up at the courtyard around 10:30 AM and began reading aloud, at the top of his lungs, excerpts from Charles Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species,” then began […] Read more
The sitcom premise of a woman finding a new roommate whose character attributes are the exact opposite of hers will be used by 20 new shows this fall, including four on the same night as part of CBS’ Tuesday night lineup. “Well, you know, the characters don’t have the same name in each show so […] Read more
Congress overwhelmingly passed the Lonely Tax Act last night, which will charge all Americans one dollar every time they masturbate. The bill is being hailed as an American savior and is estimated to pull the federal government out of debt within six months. The bill, which many thought would face a tough challenge from Republicans, […] Read more
Even though he has been offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach for nearly 8 months and has been in the program for over three years, Tim Beck is still calling his starting quarterback Taylor Martinez after a star NFL quarterback. “Okay, Peyton, now this time I need you to do a five-step drop and look for […] Read more
On September 8, President Barack Obama unveiled his plan to create jobs and get America’s work force back on its feet. The President said he has high hopes that the Republicans and Democrats can reach across the aisle and finally put the United States back on track. But questions are now being asked on both […] Read more
The sleepy town of Waverly, NE is never one for drama. With a population just shy of 2500, Waverly is a place where residents can dine, take in the occasional show, and retire in peaceful solitude. Recently, however, Waverly incumbent mayor Adam Frost has started to stir up some buzz regarding an upcoming local election. […] Read more
Skittles, a three year-old tabby cat owned by Lincoln resident Elisa Brent, failed to react to a number of significant events in her owner’s life. Despite watching her owner suffer various bouts of emotional, educational, and occasionally even physical trauma, Skittles has never once acted in a way that could be construed as caring for […] Read more
