Last Friday, representatives for famous novelist and known recluse, J.D. Salinger, released a press statement on behalf of the author’s estate that Salinger will no longer allow his works to “shape the minds” of younger generations. Following the death of the widely-beloved author, studios and publishers wishing to adapt Salinger’s works were denied access by […] Read more
For the third consecutive year, the Nebraska basketball team took the court to a completely blackened arena. The tickets hadn’t been printed, the scoreboard was silent, the hoops were still in storage, and not a single light in the parking lot was on. The Devaney Center, home to Nebraska basketball for over 30 years, had […] Read more
So it turns out that what the say is true. Everyone really is a critic. I’m sick and tired of hearing everyone complain about my league. Millions of people watch the NFL, my baby, every weekend, and every weekend all I hear is nagging, nagging, nagging. They always tell me, “Defense just isn’t what it […] Read more
Last Saturday, a representative of the Electoral College stated that, in an effort to effectively rank the strength of upcoming or current presidential hopefuls, the College would be adopting a new standings organization paradigm, courtesy of the National College Association of America’s Bowl Championship Series. The Electoral College, an organization of electors appointed to formally […] Read more
Following the recent divorce of celebrity entrepreneur and television star Kim Kardashian, local preteen Hailey Brooks admitted in her US History class that her role model has unfortunately fallen back to Brooks’ last possible option: Carl and Ruth Brooks, Hailey’s parents. Carl and Ruth, 54 and 52 respectively, told reporters they are glad to hear […] Read more
The Almighty God admitted yesterday that he was nearly six full decades behind on answering human prayers. The creator of the universe said that he has been “overwhelmed” with the sheer number of humans now on the planet, and that all of them keep praying for “the same stupid things.” “Yesterday I answered a prayer […] Read more
The Indianapolis Colts football team has officially been placed on the injured reserve list for the remainder of the season, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reports. The Colts are the only team in the history of the league to successfully place its entire team on the injured reserve. The Detroit Lions attempted the same move during […] Read more
Local Pervert Steven McPhilbin reported that a recent pornography debate he saw on the internet was ruined by the complete absence of naked lesbians. Misled by a link that stated the pornography debate would be debated between some hot, young, naked girls, McPhilbin was disappointed to find it sent him to a YouTube clip of […] Read more
In a record-breaking move, the Johnson family added nearly four dollars to their swear jar yesterday. The donations came after a lengthy dinner table argument over whether eldest son Matthew should be able to hang out with his friend Chad on Friday evening. The fight allegedly started rather innocently, with Matthew asking his parents if […] Read more
Booyah! Another one bites the dust! Duh duh dun dun dun… ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!! Seriously, you guys, I did it. Gaddafi’s taking a dirt nap. And only, like, six months after Bin Laden, too. Damn, it feels good to be me. I fuckin love this whole “wartime president” thing. I get to do […] Read more
