Football season is progressing full steam ahead, but Taylor Martinez is interested in getting off the train. “Why don’t we end the season now?” Martinez asked. “There’s so many good reasons to call it a year.” The Huskers are a far from perfect at 1-1, beating Southern Miss but losing to UCLA in the first […] Read more
Following the fourteenth death from West Nile in Dallas County Sunday evening, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones confirmed that NFL quarterback Tony Romo has contracted the virus, thank God. Romo, who probably remained undrafted in 2003 for a reason, has been the Cowboys’ starting quarterback since 2006. Losing him at this point in the season would, […] Read more
Adam Jones’ dinner party took an awkward and painful turn yesterday when none the guests could figure out how to steer the conversation away from African genocide. “Honestly I’m not even sure how it got there,” Jones said. “Somehow, all of a sudden, we were all talking about Darfur and other African genocides like they […] Read more
The US Women’s Soccer team still has not been heard from since the Olympics ended last week. The team was last seen receiving their gold medals on the stand while the national anthem was playing in the background. Tensions at the Olympic final were high as the U.S. struggled early, only eventually outscoring the Canadians […] Read more
Nine months pregnant, Jose Annibel of Omaha got in her car on August 26th and travelled over 1,000 miles to New Orleans, LA. There, she will be in the water birth capital of the United States, ready to give birth to her second child, Isaac. Exactly seven years ago Jose was pregnant with her daughter, […] Read more
After more than ten years of high-pressure work environments and countless tons of recyclable plastic being sent to airport waste baskets, the Transportation Security Administration finally apprehended the infamous criminal they had been searching for since the inception of the organization. He was an elusive hooligan previously considered both at-large and extremely dangerous: the Bottled […] Read more
For months now, the squirrels on campus have been organizing their efforts to overthrow the human dominance on campus. Just last weekend, they officially militarized Andrews Hall. It is now the military headquarters of UNL’s squirrels. Other buildings believed to be targeted are Architecture Hall and Henzlik Hall. The squirrels rallied around their leader, who […] Read more
Jonathan Burroughs, a Lincoln resident his entire life, has been raising eyebrows lately as a newly converted necrophiliac. Explaining his new-found identity, he stated, “It makes a lot of sense when you really consider it. We live in a culture where death is entertaining; I just take it one step further. “It’s an exciting time […] Read more
Nebraska head football coach Bo Pelini is not known as a superstitious man. Husker fans could be forgiven for assuming that he does not consider any outside factors when judging football success. However, those fans have never talked to Pelini about his lucky Louisiana State University boxer shorts. A visibly distraught Pelini, who was previously […] Read more
Abby Sanderson likes to show her school pride: Husker posters adorn her dorm room walls, while her backpack has decorative Husker pins she made herself. But her pride isn’t just on the outside. “I’m a hemophiliac,” Sanderson beamed. “Nothing can stop me from bleeding Husker red. Certainly not my diseased body.” Hemophilia is a genetic […] Read more
