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Self-loathing man resolves to spend another year feeling sorry for himself
Seated atop a creaky swivel chair surrounded by discarded Hot Pocket crisping sleeves and dog-eared back issues of Maxim, local man Kevin Lindschmidt, 26, glumly resolved that he’d spend yet another year of his colorless, unexciting, rapidly passing life feeling endlessly sorry for himself in his drab studio apartment and not doing anything to improve […] Read more
Weatherman, seeking cheap Runzas, fired for reporting false temperatures
Area weatherman and television personality Dan Summers was fired from the KLNK newscast this past week after a team of industry insiders discovered a pattern of deliberate misinformation in Summers’ reporting. Since at least 2011, Summers reported lower-than-true temperatures every Tuesday morning in the months of January and February in order to lower the price […] Read more
Lincoln voted “best place to settle”
In a recent survey of all Americans from coast to coast, Lincoln, Nebraska, received the distinguished title of, “best place to settle.” The sleepy Midwest city earned its reputation from the thousands of local denizens who look forward to the same everyday monotony they’ve come to know and love. “Every day I wake up and […] Read more
Student stuck sitting behind Lil’ Red again
After sprinting across the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus and arriving at Burnett Hall three minutes after her philosophy class’s start time, sophomore accounting major Julia Jacobsen was dismayed to see that, once again, the only open seats were those directly behind Lil’ Red, the Nebraska Cornhuskers’ 8-foot inflatable mascot. Begrudgingly, Jacobsen took her seat at […] Read more
Principled Libertarian thinks racism should be a State issue
Rick Hartley doesn’t have much time for political correctness, or as he calls it, “being a liberal pussy”. According to sources, the area libertarian has a lengthy history of loudly listing off political issues to anyone within earshot, utilizing just enough lengthy words as to appear not entirely batshit. According to witnesses, this past Friday […] Read more
Husker football fans uncertain about move to LA
The Nebraska athletic department unveiled a plan Tuesday to move the university’s football team to a brand-new stadium in Los Angeles for the upcoming 2016 season. “We’ve been following recent team moves in the NFL and the athletic department realized if we’re going to provide a professional-quality experience for our student-athletes, we just can’t stay […] Read more
Herbie Husker becomes Froggy 98 Bachelor
Dating is hard for everyone, even our beloved icons. We all know about the dating sites, the casual hookup apps and the televised contests that try to answer the age old question of “who can do it better?” However, at some point it takes an effort that is a little more localized. Lincoln country music […] Read more
Gov. Snyder apologizes for lead in Flint water, adds graphite
In response to backlash against the discovery of lead in Flint’s water, the state of Michigan has decided to replace the lead with graphite. Gov. Rick Snyder believes that this is “a suitable replacement.” “We’ve listened to what the people have to say,” Snyder said. “It’s obvious that putting lead in the water was a […] Read more
New gun regulations could make Family Game Night real boring
Right now, stricter gun regulations are hot topics in Washington. While some residents in Lincoln might agree with the idea of stronger control, some families claim that regulations will make everyday life a huge drag. Families such as the Hansons say that a tougher time purchasing firearms could mean dull family game nights for them. […] Read more