Danni Baker knows a thing or two about dogs. She volunteered at her local animal shelter all through high school and spent hours grooming her mother’s prize poodle statue. It was a life which did not leave much time for socialization, but Baker never complained. Now, at 24, her hard work has finally paid off. […] Read more
Hello, sir or madam; I understand we are now to be partners in “Monopoly,” the grand game of capitalism so dear to the American heart. I am new to the region, having replaced that terribly gauche iron beast, and am pleased to offer my services as board marker. My dear chum Mr. Pennybags has told […] Read more
So as most of you know, Hilary has been pretty sick this past month. First the exhaustion, then the concussion, then the blood clot . . . it’s been a mess. But she’s spent a lot of time at home recovering, and as you may have noticed at her congressional hearing last week, she’s back […] Read more
Amin al-Ganem is no stranger to child-rearing. A father of four, he and his wife Fatima know the ups and downs of family life well. As of last night, however, the Syrian family can add another moment to their list of proudest memories: their youngest son’s first IED. Three year-old Saleh reportedly gathered the scrap […] Read more
Reports surfaced earlier this week that the FBI had uncovered and blocked a plot to blow up the Federal Reserve building in New York City. Initial reports indicate that the alleged bomber, Bangladeshi student Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, wanted to “blow up all of America’s money” in order to advance the cause of radical […] Read more
Following the fourteenth death from West Nile in Dallas County Sunday evening, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones confirmed that NFL quarterback Tony Romo has contracted the virus, thank God. Romo, who probably remained undrafted in 2003 for a reason, has been the Cowboys’ starting quarterback since 2006. Losing him at this point in the season would, […] Read more
In an exciting development, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has confirmed that Mars rover Curiosity, an unmanned exploratory vehicle on the surface of the red planet, has become mobile for the first time. The rover’s mission, according to head NASA administrator Charles Frank “Charlie” Bolden, Jr., will now shift from taking still photos […] Read more
Following the suspension of his closest rival’s campaign, Newt Gingrich declared that he is officially “in a two-person race” for Mill Creek Middle School Student Council in Woodstock, Georgia. The beleaguered candidate, whose fund-raising efforts have flagged in the last month, was reportedly forced to ask his sister, Candice, for spending money. Records also indicate […] Read more
Truck driver Kerri Peters said she was happy with the “pretty decent” shower she took at the World’s Largest Truck Stop in Iowa last Thursday. The shower in question, which costs two dollars per use and features a complimentary clock-radio bolted to the wall, is reportedly very popular with local transport professionals. “It’s usually clean, […] Read more
Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks point guard whose meteoric rise has gripped the nation, filed to take control of the term that has encapsulated his sudden stardom: “Linsanity.” ESPN, whose commentators use the phrase remarkably often in their flagship SportsCenter broadcast, was quick to respond. “We have received a cease and desist letter from […] Read more
