Following a failed sixth-month courtship of a coworker, Gary Jamison found himself placed in the dreaded “friend zone.” This designation, used for men who find themselves serving as close friends but never considered for romantic reasons, has been applied to Jamison by 26 year-old Jessica McMahon. Jamison was introduced to McMahon when his superior assigned […] Read more
For the third consecutive year, the Nebraska basketball team took the court to a completely blackened arena. The tickets hadn’t been printed, the scoreboard was silent, the hoops were still in storage, and not a single light in the parking lot was on. The Devaney Center, home to Nebraska basketball for over 30 years, had […] Read more
Booyah! Another one bites the dust! Duh duh dun dun dun… ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!! Seriously, you guys, I did it. Gaddafi’s taking a dirt nap. And only, like, six months after Bin Laden, too. Damn, it feels good to be me. I fuckin love this whole “wartime president” thing. I get to do […] Read more
Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
The guy in the corner at the party is playing “Wonderwall” again, report party-goers. The guy, who has yet to be identified, picked up a guitar that had been discarded carelessly almost immediately after arriving at the party alone shortly after 10:30 pm. After nodding to a few people and glancing in the direction of […] Read more
Skittles, a three year-old tabby cat owned by Lincoln resident Elisa Brent, failed to react to a number of significant events in her owner’s life. Despite watching her owner suffer various bouts of emotional, educational, and occasionally even physical trauma, Skittles has never once acted in a way that could be construed as caring for […] Read more
As the University of Nebraska entered its third week of classes, freshman Paul Foster began to notice something a little strange. Foster’s roommate, fellow freshman and Education major James Orrin, set off for class, once again, without showering. “I thought maybe he had a long weekend, and just didn’t have the energy to do it […] Read more
Fans of the Nebraska Cornhuskers congregated outside Memorial Stadium late Sunday evening for what was the first day of a long candlelight vigil in memory of the victims of the Husker’s 40-7 victory. Following the athletic slaughter, seventeen visiting fans from the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga Mockingbirds were rushed to the hospital with embarrassment-related injuries. None […] Read more
With a childlike enthusiasm and glee that can light up a room, Vice President Joe Biden is beloved by people all over the nation. After calling for a press conference late Monday evening, a nervous Biden stepped up to the podium. After a furtive glance over his shoulder, the visibly perspiring Biden swallowed. Then, in […] Read more
ames Dixon is a man who is driven by an insatiable desire to make the world a better place. Even after a tragic accident that took both his hands, Dixon refuses to surrender. “When I was young, my parents were killed by a hitman, who turned out to be linked to a drug cartel, who […] Read more
