Yup, weed is still illegal in the state of Nebraska. Yup, people are still smoking it. And you know who’s profiting from it the most? Yup, mother fuckers who know the system. Enter Riley Tyler: Class A system knowin’ mother fucker. “Ya see, most people in this game – the weed game, the game of […] Read more
Getting laughs in class was all in an easy day’s work for fifth-year senior Benjamin Penny, resident wise-ass of ECON101. But it was what he did in his free time that made his classmates weary. “I don’t see what the big problem is here,” Penny said. “I like being goofy, I like hanging out in […] Read more
Classic case of the “whoopsies” here, folks. As rural Nebraskan farmer and father of three, John Spencer, saw those mythologized bright lights from the comfort of his deathbed, he made a mistake he’ll never be able to take back. Venturing outside of his mortal vessel, Spencer ascended. Many see the expedition to the afterlife to […] Read more
The kid ruler of anthropomorphized enigma North Korea yet again defied logic with this Hail Mary from his nation’s defense department. Sources were quick to speculate why Kim Jong-un would invest 4.2 billion dollars into Mega Bloks: more toys for his playroom, to have a statue built in his image, build a subservient South Korea […] Read more
Shit hit the fan when DJ newcomer, Joel “Icebox” Moore, was performing at the Vega last Saturday. The evening was hip and hoppining when Moore decided to try cracking the dial up to 11 by playing his new retro dance groove, “Sandstorm Darude.” The beats were booming as the lights send the crowd into a […] Read more
Addressing the press can be a stressful ordeal—especially if your name’s Sean Spicer and your nervous tendencies keep bugging you. “Just shut your faces for like two minutes,” Spicer yelled at a quiet room of reporters, cramming an entire pack of spearmint Stride into his moist pallet. “I just can’t get this damn cap off!” […] Read more
There comes a time in every kangaroo’s life where they have to separate themselves from the warm, loving comfort contained within their mother’s pouch. Unless you’re this deadbeat asshole. Jack “Joey” Roofuls is a 4-year-old, sexually mature kangaroo who was awarded the nickname “Joey” because he’s acting like a baby who won’t move the hell […] Read more
The guy stopped next to you at the intersection of 17th and O streets, blaring what seems to be his own rendition of The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside,” is set to perform at Vega next weekend. Brandon Fleurs, the man behind the wheel of the blaring, light-driftwood metallic Pontiac Grand Am, has been working on his […] Read more
While on a temporary leave of absence, God, the omnipotent creator, and overseer of the universe, decided to take a stroll down to His kingdom to see how mankind was faring. He was displeased. In His anguish, God decided to hold a worldwide conference to address the matter with which He took most issue. “Who […] Read more
Queen Red Ant and her ant colony were gathered earlier this week mourning the loss of their beloved family member, Red Ant 1087. The colony swarmed the corpse of flattened 1087, which was adjacent to a stale, discarded bag of Cheese Doodles, to protest the hypocrisy of the pro-life supporter who took his life. Passersby […] Read more
