Council Bluffs, Iowa resident Pat Helwig, who didn’t believe that chemotherapy could cure him, died of testicular cancer yesterday, just three months after being diagnosed. Helwig, who believed that all medical approaches to life should be natural and that everything else was “pseudoscience,” stated that all he needed to do to cure his cancer was […] Read more
Patrons at the Lincoln Art Fair came away much happier than one would assume coming from an art fair. Patrons seemed to be smiling uncontrollably and beaming with delight as they left the middle school gymnasium on Saturday afternoon. Many patrons said they felt that the art fair confirmed that their decision to give up […] Read more
Local news sources reported earlier this week that Karen Shiff, a sophomore chemistry major at UNL, who spent all day Monday expelling blood from a gaping hole on her side in the University Health Center lobby has been officially released. Shiff, a long time resident of Lincoln, was ejected from the Health Center with ointment […] Read more
New grandparents David and Doris Trimmel were on the scene at Bryan LGH when their daughter Trisha had a son of her very own this past Sunday. The entire Trimmel family came out to see the birth of the newest edition to their family, but not all members of the Trimmel family could agree that […] Read more
Students in Kyle Strait’s Philosophy 106 recitation section are more than familiar with the Teaching Assistant’s lengthy and spontaneous tangents. As a third year TA for the afternoon Philosophy & Current Issues, Strait considers the class a “playing ground of existential and metaphysical thought,” and is often critiqued for repeating concepts to an unnecessary degree. […] Read more
Truck driver Kerri Peters said she was happy with the “pretty decent” shower she took at the World’s Largest Truck Stop in Iowa last Thursday. The shower in question, which costs two dollars per use and features a complimentary clock-radio bolted to the wall, is reportedly very popular with local transport professionals. “It’s usually clean, […] Read more
UNL housing is declaring the dog search for bedbugs a “huge success” after finding nearly 20 of them, along with over 300 pounds of marijuana. The UNL housing staff decided to search the rooms without any notice to the students so as to “keep the bedbugs guessing.” Unfortunately for the students, and by total coincidence […] Read more
John Stalin, an Iowa gas station attendant and mass murderer, said he has decided to start only killing people who want to harm themselves. Stalin said that all he wants to do is murder people, he doesn’t care who, so “the only responsible thing to do is kill those who already want to stop living.” […] Read more
UNL student George Wright told his friends yesterday that he actually believes that, of the Mexican grills in Lincoln, Qdoba has better-tasting food then Chipotle. The worthless fucking idiot really believes that the chips are saltier, the tortillas fresher, and the guacamole more tasty. “It’s not that I dislike Chipotle, it’s just that if I’m […] Read more
By now it is a story known the world over: Dr. Brian L. Friedrich, President of Concordia University, decided to remind his students that they live in the most boring city on earth with a salute to Washington, D.C. on President’s Day. 2200 lives would be changed forever; the official death toll from students who […] Read more
