Students, rejoice! The greatest chapter in all of UNL history has finally arrived! University Dining Services has extended a gracious offer to all students on both UNL campuses: free soft drinks will soon be available for any and all UNL students! (With purchase of a $4500 meal plan)
Yes, you read that right! Beginning as soon as next week, all UNL undergraduate, graduate, and nontraditional students (with valid five or seven day meal plans) will be allowed to march into any UNL dining hall, scan their NCard, and drink their fill of the soft drink of their choosing.
Now, I hear you saying: this is far too good to be true. This can’t be right. There must be a catch, you think. Well, think again! This offer allows any (meal plan-possessing) student to get any (Pepsi-owned) drink at any dining hall (during regular business hours). What was once too good to be true is now a high-calorie, carbonated reality!
What brought about this dazzling development, this triumphant transformation, this saccharine switch??? Well I’ll tell you what! It was none other than the generous support of our fearless leader Scott Frost. That’s right: our new Husker Football coach refuses to work on any campus where (debt-crippled) students are denied the (costly) opportunity to enjoy any sweet bubbly beverage at (almost) any hour of the day.
No doubt, folks, this is it. This is our time. This new chapter, this advanced age, this sweet spell is the greatest there ever was and ever will be. Gone are the days of parched pupils and sugarless scholars: a new day has dawned, one where any (fee-paying) student can freely quench their thirst (for an empty bank account) in fizzy financial peace. My cup runneth over!
This is the greatest offer ever made to UNL students, period. We all owe Coach Frost (and our student loan officers) a debt of gratitude (but mostly money). Our university’s golden, Mountain Dew-hued, era is here. Students will line up outside the admissions office, clamoring for even a chance at attending our caffeine-fueled classes. I hear there’s even a rumor going around that next year the dining halls will offer cereal for free all day long. (With purchase of All Access or Red 440 Meal Packs.)
