A University of Nebraska-Lincoln freshman was discovered on the third floor of Love Library last Friday with a copy of “Slaughterhouse Five.” The student, Paul Hayward, was found extremely dehydrated and delusional by custodial staff while he was licking a window.

“When I found him he wasn’t making any sense,” said Martha W., a library custodian. “’It’s a paradigm shift, we need more boots on the ground,’ he would say, or ‘That’s the $100,000 dollar question: it’s in the synergy!’ and at first I almost left him alone because I wasn’t sure if he was dehydrated, just another window-licking business student, or both. But something just felt off to me and that’s when I noticed the book.”

Martha went on to explain that when she saw the book she knew he wasn’t a business student, and something was seriously wrong since he had a Kurt Vonnegut book and not some business author like Dale Carnegie or Peter Thiel.

“It explains some of the strange things we had to clean up. I found a few books with bites in them which I thought at the time was strange, and I also found a globe with a bloody handprint on it but I never got too suspicious.”

The university is now taking what they think are the proper steps to ensure that this never happens again by placing emergency stashes of bottled water throughout the library and banning business students from “studying” in the library indefinitely.

Hayward is expected to make a full recovery.