We, the Daily Nebraskan editorial staff, love the First Amendment. It allows us to make such outlandish statements as “Nebraska football is back this year” and “ASUN represents the student body.” There is no idea more sacred to journalism than that of free speech, and we strive to protect that right at any cost. But […] Read more
Now, I know you people don’t know who I am, but I just started playing guitar three weeks ago, and these goyim at the coffee shop ask me to play some Boss song, “Born to Run.” Oy. How do you expect me to play “Born to Run”? I’m not the rock legend Bruce Springsteen, you […] Read more
Former Husker safety Daimion Stafford isn’t taking any chances when it comes to his NFL future. He has meticulously researched all the things that have made former Huskers successful in the upcoming player draft: Solid 40 yard dash times, a good work ethic, and the amazing ability to violate the law just before cashing in. […] Read more
When Lincoln resident Mike Dunhill clicked on the link to a video titled “Gangnam Catwoman Style,” he had no idea the direction his life was about to take. After watching the fan-made parody video, Dunhill had concerns. He decided to post a comment reading, “Catwoman dosnt [sic] look that hot.” Within minutes, the comment received […] Read more
Residents of the Cecil Hotel in downtown Los Angeles were only mildly surprised to find out that yet another tourist had met their fate in the alleys of Los Angeles. What has captured the divergent interests of Los Angeles is not that a tourist’s lifespan is similar to that of a fly but that the […] Read more
After years of controversy, the Birmingham Black People have been forced to change their mascot. The AA baseball team, a feeder team for the Atlanta Braves, had the Black People as a mascot for 72 years. There has been considerable pressure on the baseball team to change their mascot for years. It may be obvious […] Read more
Danni Baker knows a thing or two about dogs. She volunteered at her local animal shelter all through high school and spent hours grooming her mother’s prize poodle statue. It was a life which did not leave much time for socialization, but Baker never complained. Now, at 24, her hard work has finally paid off. […] Read more
In what White House tour guides are describing as an “increasingly common occurrence,” last week Vice President Joe Biden could be seen casually conversing with tourists, advising them what and what not to touch during their visit. “I was just taking out the garbage here, and I noticed y’all were poking around,” said the Vice […] Read more
On the eve of a momentous Voting Rights decision, the tension in the judicial chambers of the United States’ Supreme Court isn’t coming from the media, constituents or lobbyists, but from the justice’s stomachs. It was well into the noontime lunch hour before Anthony Kennedy was able to lay the deciding vote for Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers […] Read more
In a passionate attempt at glory, South Dakota resident Greg Tracey depleted every resource in his possession in order to appear on the popular news program “The Today Show” last Friday morning. Following years of watching the regularly televised program, Tracey decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of standing behind Al Roker while waving his […] Read more
