All people, places, and things in Western Nebraska appear to be unreachable, according to reports from across the country. Phone lines appear to be empty, internet usage has flatlined, and lights appear to have gone out in all areas leading to the Omaha and Lincoln metro areas. “They appear to have completely…. vanished,” said notably […] Read more
After searching around his reclining chair for “ten damn minutes,” 63 year-old Lincoln resident and loving grandfather of six Louis Barton realized that he was never going to find “that stupid remote” without getting up, and decided to resign himself to watching “whatever the hell this is.” As the “ridiculously stupid” program played, Barton could […] Read more
House Republicans reaffirmed their position that the female body is truly a wonderland. “What I’ve always been told by Doctors,” said Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, “Is that women can only get pregnant if they want to. It’s a like a switch that they turn off and on, and only if the man consents to having […] Read more
A late-night meal at Village Inn turned sour last Saturday evening when local hoarder Gertrude Harris refused to pass a bottle of Heinz ketchup to a table of students just feet away. Other customers on-site at the time reported they were just as astounded at the inattentive service as they were at the selfishness of […] Read more
After it was announced that “Lord of the Rings” director Peter Jackson intended to divide “The Hobbit” into three parts, a sense of confusion and apprehension was felt amongst the nerd community. Upon hearing the news, Jackson’s avid followers were forced to ask a difficult question: why would the shortest book of the “Lord of […] Read more
Nancy Grace, host of her self-titled show, suffered a severe meltdown after she was forced to conclude that the facts of a case were inconclusive. Though Grace strove to condemn a suspected murderer, after reviewing the facts of the legal matter on air she realized that perhaps it was too early to pass judgement. “You […] Read more
It has only been a month since the 2011-2012 Nebraska Men’s basketball season ended, but loyal fans of the Cornhuskers are already looking forward to next year. “I love the Huskers, and always have,” says 51 year-old Lincoln resident Gerald Duval. “But every team has their ups and their downs, and next year’s going to […] Read more
Following the suspension of his closest rival’s campaign, Newt Gingrich declared that he is officially “in a two-person race” for Mill Creek Middle School Student Council in Woodstock, Georgia. The beleaguered candidate, whose fund-raising efforts have flagged in the last month, was reportedly forced to ask his sister, Candice, for spending money. Records also indicate […] Read more
After the Huskers 9-4 football season in 2011, offensive coordinator Tim Beck announced the offense is getting a revamp. Beck further explained that the team would be undergoing a journey to find the cause of those four losses. Following careful study, which included attaching a camera to quarterback Taylor Martinez’s helmet during practice, the coaches […] Read more
In an effort to counteract recent controversy concerning exclusivity within the organization, members of the Association of Students of the University of Nebraska finally responded by hurling flaming bags of human feces onto their critics’ respective porches. The critics, who were said to be numerous yet still apathetic about student government in general, stood by […] Read more
